There's actually been a lot of good things and good thoughts going on for me.  I've been spending time with the Lord almost everyday.  When I spend some quiet moments with Him, I find myself refreshed and replenished and the ever circling thoughts in my mind are often, not always, put at ease.  You know, grief messes with your mind a lot.  I've known the truth of God in my heart for a while now.  The truth of the fact that "I am a child of the King."  The truth that "I am free from shame and condemnation."  The truth that "I am God's workmanship."  But in the middle of and throughout the journey of loss and grief, these thoughts and truths have been challenged in my mind several times. 

When I'm feeling the sadness of the loss of my ever longed for baby, I get a bunch of messages going through my brain.  Kind of like a series of text messages that I keep reading over and over again. "You suck"  "You're no good"  "Life isn't worth it"  "If I can't have what I planned, then I don't want anything at all."  "You're a horrible mom"  "Get it together"  "What's wrong with you?"

Do you see how terrible these messages are?  I used to think that these messages, or negative self talk, were uncontrollable.  I often didn't even know that i was saying these things to myself.   Today in church, my pastor was talking about how we can be navel gazers (constantly in self pity or constantly complaining), or we can be thankful for having a God that is our provider, our protector, our healer.

After putting the kids into bed tonight and doing something in the kitchen while the house was quiet, these negative thoughts started circling my mind again.  "You suck"  "Life isn't worth it"  "I miss my baby so much that I just can't go on"...and as the depression started to settle in. 

I conciously chose a different path for my brain to think this time though (something I've not done too often before over the years of knowing depression because I didnt' know how).   I thought at first...."I know these feelings, these are feelings of depression, and I'm familiar with them.  I want to get better, I don't want to be in this place of sadness.....ok I'll try saying what I'm thankful for to get me into a different train of thought...I'm thankful for my family, for my home, for all that i have, I'm thankful for..."   But this didn't work.  Being thank ful for what i have just didn't do anything to my thought process or my mood or my attitude.  I still felt down, I still felt like life wasn't worth it......
......
.....
.....
but then......
.....
.....
I thought about what my pastor told me this morning.  "Thank you Lord for being my Protector, thank you God for being my Healer, thank you Lord that You are my Provider."
.....
.....
.....
and all of a sudden, it happened.........
......
.....
I felt the depression lifting,
I saw the text message lies being deleted,
I felt a feeling of wholeness,
I felt like I COULD carry on.
....
How profound, that when I think about God and His Character and my identity in Him, I feel good.

Shall we accept the good and not the adversity?

Imagine you had 10 wonderful grown children who were married, imagine you had dozens of pieces of real estate with no mortgages, imagine you had a staff of over 100 people whom you employed who respected and enjoyed working for you, imagine you owned a dozen fortune 500 companies and they were thriving.  Imagine you were rich, had it all, were fit, were married to a wonderful person and were totally successful and totally content.
What would you do if one night you went to sleep in your comfy king sized bed, and were woken up by the panting of one staff member pounding at your door..."I...I...I was the only one who got away....there was a raid....all of your children, were murdered!"  and then another knock at the door with another staff member panting again..."I...I...was the only one who got away...all of the staff have been imprisoned!"  You stumble barely catching yourself to lean against the door frame when another person comes running..."I...don't know how to tell you...but all of your real estate was set fire...everything has burnt to the ground!"  Then finally the last person runs up the driveway also catching his breathe and says,

Dear Westley,
I think of you everyday, I miss you.  I miss you.  I want to hold you and cuddle you and be with you.  I waited for 4 years for you and now you're gone...I didn't even get to cuddle you as i hoped.  I always felt as though someone was missing from our house, some one special. Someone with giggles and smiles.  It was you that was missing, and you were almost here.  well, you were here, but not for nearly long enough.  I want to hold you my son, I want to smell the sweet scent of your baby hair.  I want to lay your little ear against my chest so you can hear my heartbeat.  I want to feel your soft baby skin.
Today your sisters put their baby doll in my hands and said it was you Westley, but I couldn't hold it, it was too painful to think that I should have been really holding you, a real baby not just a doll.  I want to hold you my little one.  I want to hold you.
Will i ever hold a baby again?
Lord, I know you have my Westley with you in heaven but i want you to know how much i miss him, oh so much.  I really didn't want to have any more heartache after suffering for so many years.  Please Lord, offer me some joy, some genuine joy.  Walk me through this very confusing and bumpy road.

How do I balance this life?

If i'm spending all of my day teaching my kids, cooking for my kids, cleaning for my kids, driving my kids around, studying for my kids, baking with my kids, reading to my kids, and then having them sleep on my arm at the last of the night at 10:30pm when I want to go to sleep myself, because they are up until their father comes home, where is there any time for me?  I want to study for them, and understand homeschooling better...but there's no time!!!  I'm so glad to be with them, because this is one of my goals as a home teacher, but i'm also finding it challenging to have time to myself, or time with my husband alone, or time to do research and studying to improve our learning environment.  Along with all of that, there's still a heavy grief of my loss sitting on my heart, that sometimes makes me unable to move.  The alternative of putting them into the local school is absolutely not an option.  I am not going to subject myself to the hectic schedule that they demand and then wind up in the hospital again from stress, absolutely not.  What do i do?....this time dilemna is one of the reasons i'm not writing on my blog very much....no time!  Along with that, the grief of our loss of our son and the loss of my fertility is weighing heavy on my heart everyday.  This is adding to much confusion in my mind.

Getting Better

I've been getting better.  I'm starting to see the good things in life.  I just saw the movie "The Secret."  I'm trying to say positive thoughts in the place of negative ones.  All day I was saying things like..."I'm calm" "I love my home" to try to combat the thoughts of hating the mess that's around my home or the frustration i get when i see the mess. It's working for the most part.  I just know I've got to do a whole lot more of it.

I've been frustrated a lot lately, just because I've got  a lot of work on my plate and i'd like it to lighten but it's hard do to know how to lighten it.  I want to scream some days just to get the frustration out. 

I often think to myself "who am I"  and then sit quietly...with no answer.  some days i have confidence, some days i have confusion.  When i'm emotional, I'm confused.  When I'm calm, I'm confident.  I feel broken today, in pain, and lost.  Will I ever really get to know that I can have a happy life.  A life that is full of thanks giving, a life that's full of joy.  I don't want to complain.  Am I complaining?  I'm just sad for now.  I'm going to a retreat this weekend...quiet time alone is always good.  I'll see how I feel later this week. I hope to come back refreshed.

I can't believe it!  I haven't written on this blog much in the last few weeks because i'm so darn worried about what other people will think!  AARRHHH!  It sucks so much to have this worry.  I'm trying to let it go but it's really hard.  I have so much to say....so much to share...but...I'm worried.  What about this person, what about that person.

Actually i must say it's been good to have it to keep other up to date about what's going on, with regards to the surgery but now i'm just bottled up with so many emotions that i just can't get out.  I thought that this blog would serve as a place for me to vent but it's now become much more, in my head that is.  What do i do?  Daily there's so much going on that i need to vent, but now I'm stuck and I'm a pot that's boiling, ready to boil over.

Feeling Sad and Happy

After cancelling my TL surgery last week I finally felt something in my heart and mind that I hadn't felt in a very long time....so long that it was a foreign feeling for a while.  It was a confusing  place to be because my mourning had ceased for a day or two and I finally felt...happy!  Am I allowed to feel this way? Does it mean I've forgotten my baby Westley? No.
Maybe it just means that someone thinks I'm important.  Enough that he decided to take my place in an extremely undesirable situation and I'm feeling incredibly blessed, relieved from the stress of thinking about it and starting to heal.

Would you believe that once the decision was made and the call to the hospital was made I felt like I was going to be judged by others?  Would they think I'm a nut to back out of it?  Would they think I'm foolish?  Would my reasons be reasonable?  Would they think that I'm putting myself in danger by NOT doing it?  These questions circled in my mind for days...still are.  Even though I got glimpses of happiness I am riddled with these worries and they've been robbing my finally found joy.  Some conversations have confirmed that I've been blessed by my husband's decision; some conversations confirmed that it's our choice, doesn't matter what other people think, my husband and I must do what is right for us; and yet some conversations have confirmed that there is some judgement.

I know its crazy to even worry about it, especially since I decided to start this blog to let others into my life and not worry about what they thought of me.  My goal was to be authentic and transparent about what's happening in my life.  To confirm to myself that I'm normal, and not such an outcast as I thought and felt I was.  But letting go of worrying about what other people think, a worry that's riddled me most of my life, is a VERY hard thing to actually do.  Easy to say, hard to do.  I'm challenging myself everyday though with positive affirmations of who I am, who I want to believe in my heart I am, and who Christ says I am.  The surgery cancellation has been the most wonderful thing that's happened to me all year, I'm SO GLAD I don't have to go through with it.  I'm happy, but still sad.  Like today, I was crying again because I know that there's another baby about to be born, next month in fact, that could be mine, but I just don't know if it will be.  Please pray for this baby to go where God knows he belongs.

Tubal Ligation Cancelled!

If you didn't read the last entry "I'm Choosing Life with Tubal Ligation"  then click onto it on the right and read it first, for this post to make sense. (I've included the meaningful videos here too.)

Well, the day has come and gone.  But....... my husband made a very honorable gesture and gave me a very VERY special gift.  He's getting a vasectomy instead of me having to have a tubal ligation.  He feels I have gone through enough physical trauma for one year (major abdominal surgery, and a knee injury), and now it's his turn.  I have been very blessed by his decision and I'm choosing to follow his lead...what a relief.  I don't have to go to the hospital, yet again.

The night before the TL surgery John was reading the last blog entry I posted.  As he watched the videos and even though I had already cried several times that day and was in the middle of cleaning the last few things I wanted to tackle in the house before the surgery, I heard my little one Sasha beginning to sob.   Then I stopped what i was doing and the tears came over me again, then John, who was watching the video held both of us and tears began rolling down his cheek.  Kaneeka who was washing the dishes and peering over her shoulder watching everything transpire stopped the water, took off her gloves and stood silently in the midst of the sadness.  I released John and Sasha and held Kaneeka, holding her and rocking her. Through my sobs came "I'm sorry I can't give you a brother or sister anymore, I'm so sorry"  "It's okay mommy, you already gave me a sister and two brothers, it's okay, I understand."
I held her close and soon we melted together onto the floor and held each other tight while I sobbed. "Mommy can we cuddle in my bedroom?"  So I released her and went back to embracing John and Sasha.

 "I mmmmiiiissss Weeeesssstttlllyyyy" Sasha sweetly cried out through her soft sobs.  Gripping the little blue puppy stuffie that represents our little Westley, that's only the size of my hand, the same size he was when we held him in the hospital, she layed her head in my bosom and released many many more of her tears.  Together, me and Sasha sat in the strong arms of John's embrace.
"I don't know if it's a good idea Sital, for you to get your tubes tied."  John said.
"What?  The night before the surgery you're changing your mind?  We've been leading up to this for months!" I replied

The girls and I got ready to lay down to bed as I had a headache from all the crying that day.  John came and cuddled for a while and we prayed about what was the right thing to do.  The Lord spoke clearly to John and Kaneeka and said to them that I shouldn't do it.  John stayed up until the wee hours of the night researching which is the better choice.  He contemplated, and prayed some more.

In the morning, I sat at the kitchen table while he presented me with a load of info he printed from his research and said...."Sital, I really feel like I should do it instead of you.  I know we were planning this but God gave us a brain to use our knowledge and make an educated decision."  So we called the hospital and told them we weren't coming, and the surgery was cancelled.  We spent the day at the beach counselling with each other about our decision and praying about many aspects while the girls played in the sand and water.  So here we are, John's going to bank sperm in case we want to have a surrogate in the future and then will book his vasectomy.  When I told my dad, the surgery was cancelled, he was so relieved...I guess he didn't want to see me go through another surgery either.  Thank you dad for your support.
There's a lot more to this story...leave a comment to let me know if you want to hear about it, or I'll just leave it at that.  Thanks.   Remember to light a candle on Friday Oct 15th, to remember our babies.

I'm choosing life with a tubal ligation

Today is a very confusing day for me as a woman, because tomorrow I get my tubes tied.
This is something i don't want to do because i desperately want to have more children. I always wanted to have 4 children.  Oh my goodness, I'm full of so many emotions today...but in the end of them all I'm doing it because I'm choosing life.   I'm choosing not to get pregnant, and risk another rupture and essentially death.  I'm choosing to give my little girls a mom for the rest of their lives, even though I can't give them a brother or sister anymore.  I'm choosing to give my husband a wife for the rest of his life, even though i can't give him a son or daughter anymore.

It's a very mixed place to be as a woman
Do you know any other woman who has had their tubes tied because they wanted more children, not because they didn't want more children?  (there's no typo here, you read it right)
Do you see how contradictory it is for me as a woman, a female, a human given the title female in order to represent the ability to have a spirit and body formed and created inside of me.  To have my body altered so I can never conceive again :( but then to do it so that i don't risk another uterine rupture from conceiving again.
AAAHHHH, it's a very strange place for me to be emotionally, I've been kinda solemn today and for the past week, but one thing I know is that I'm choosing life....life for my family.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and October 15th is the national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  Join me on Friday October 15th by lighting a candle to remember Westley (Dec 2009-April 22, 2010), Adam (2004), and any babies of yours in heaven. I'll be lighting a blue candle given to me today by a dear new friend who very thoughtfully expressed her understanding of my life's circumstances with this very special gift.

www.october15th.com
This video says what it's like for a woman to lose a baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
 This is how it feels:
http://www.pakistan.tv/videos-this-is-how-it-feels-%5BE1c0q_Q-CWE%5D.cfm

Surgery Again!

How many surgeries can one person endure in one year?  Obviously if it's not your choice, more than one.
As is the case with me.
I was rushed into emergency surgery earlier this year to find out that they almost lost me on the operating table as i lost 2/3 of my blood volume to internal bleeding from a sudden uterine rupture when I was 5 months pregnant.

Not only did i lose the beautiful baby boy we had been waiting 4 years for, we had to creamate and have a funeral for him.To make matters worse, I also lost my fertility.  I'll never, NEVER be able to have children again.  This is not what I wanted to hear when I had waited for 4 years for my son, nor did i want to hear this when our life plans as a couple and family were to have 4 children.

I couldn't believe it...I still don't believe it.  From pregnant and feeling the joy of my baby boy with me to having to have involuntary tubal ligation now only months later.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if i want to.

It's my birthday today, and i sure feel like crying.

Someone posted on Facebook that my baby Westley is with Jesus, where else would i rather have him be?

When i thought about it i guess it's true.  No better place than his home in heaven.  Some days i just think I'm so grateful for what i have.  Some days I just think I wish i could have my life the way I pictured it....4 little ones running around with a family of harmony.  It's a sad reality to know that will never happen.

I wonder what heaven is like, because grief certainly sucks, it hurts, it's painful.  It's like a knife in your heart. I opened my bible this morning at 4am cause i couldn't sleep and it said for me to be grateful.

I am grateful, but it doesn't erase the pain, because the pain is much too deep. Deep enough that I'm crying on my birthday.

Are you reading this?

if you're reading this blog i would love to know...i mean it...really...tell me you came here and read it.  Please click "comment" below and write a comment, even if it's just 1 word, at least then i know there's somebody reading and who you are...thanks a million.

falling further

I didn't ever think that i could get to a place of feeling depressed yet AGAIN!  Teens, adulthood, every other year!!!!!AHHH WHEN DOES IT STOP!

My cousin just had her baby, my other cousin is having a baby, and i am babyless!
Can life be more unfair?  When you plan you life for the last 4 years around having a baby, then you get pregnant and then lose it all....baby and ability to have a any more babies all at once...and your family members are having babies left right and centre it's a sure formula to get depressed...and that's exactly how i feel!

If I planned my child and the others didnt, and I lost my child and the others get to keep theirs...how fair is that!  ITS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It will be only two weeks until my baby was due to be born...Sept 20th..and oh what a beautiful baby he would have been.  I got to hold him for a short time...the little preemie that he was.  He would have been such a cute little guy, so sweet so full of life...as he was.  No wonder i'm crying everyday.  He's not with me, and he should be. :(

Falling

Did you ever think your hair could come out in clumps when it wasn't even pulled on?  Well...it can.

Mine's been falling out more than I've ever seen it in my whole life.  I guess if you're fighting to survive, that's what can happen.

I feel like i'm fighting to survive.  Survive the sinking hole of emotions that are never steady, desires that are never fulfilled, and a heart that longs for peace that seems never attainable.

I've got two healthy children, a loving husband, my own home, my own business...some could look at me a think..."she's got it all."  But the reality is...I'm tired, can't sleep, stressed, crying all the time, dehydrated, confused, and an emotional wreck.  I've been putting on a face in front of people who come to my newly designed festival booth where i sell popcorn, ice cream, and lattes.  When the 15 hour day of selling comes to an end I'm totally beat and have to still  sweep the house, cook dinner, wash the dishes, read stories, brush my kids teeth, pick up the toys, have a shower (maybe), talk a few minutes with my hubby, and then try and lay down....to.....a night of..............SLEEPLESSNESS!  AAHAHHHAAHHH! 

I lay awake thinking and thinking and thinking and my brain doesn't shut off!  When does it end?  When do i get my own rest?

Man i'm tired...does anyone else feel like this?

My baby is in GOD's arms.

Should I have a surrogate or not???? God, what is Your will for me?  You know how badly I want a big family.  You know how much i miss my sweet Westley baby.  Will you send me a baby again?  The little girls in my family are waiting so patiently for the baby to arrive.


You've opened the doors with a person of a huge heart to come into our lives.  She is willing and waiting for us to have her as our surrogate!  Yeah!

But wait.... what's that You're saying to me God?

What?....

No????????????????????

I don't understand.  A woman said she would carry a baby for us.  Our baby, it would be our genetic baby, she would be our surro.  But You're saying NO????

I don't understand God, why would you open the doors, develop a deep and beautiful relationship between us and our potential surrogate.  We've gotten to know each other so well over the last 3 months, and have discussed EVERYTHING!  She wants to have a baby for us.  You know..a baby..like the one who went to heaven?  Yeah, a baby!  But You're saying NO?

WHY!@!@$#!@$@!?????????????

Him talking:

"Because my child, I will make your joy complete.  I will fill you with My peace.  Come to me and drink from the water of Life, I have given you the breath of life, I have given the breath of life to your children.  I will give  you your family.  I will determine the size of your family.  I have given you four children.  I have given you two children for now to care for on earth.  You are My child.  I will care for you.  I have given you a home.  I have given you a partner."

Me talking:

I don't understand God, it's something I've always wanted....it's hard for me to let go...I don't want to obey...I don't want to listen to You...I want a baby!  My arms are empty, my heart has a hole, my family isn't complete!

But......'sigh'

I choose to obey, I choose to submit.  I know You have good plans.  As painful as it is I will obey.  I will give my whole heart to You, and to John, Kaneeka and Sasha, these very important people in my life.  I will give You my heart.  I choose to believe that You will heal it and You will heal my body.

I know that one day, something else will come along...maybe another surrogate, maybe a baby to adopt, maybe a child to adopt, maybe nothing.  Whatever Your plans are for us I will obey.  It sure is hard, but I'm broken inside as it is, my only hope is in what You have for me.  Here I am God.  I'm all Yours.

Oh Where Oh Where Could my BABY be?

I'm stuck in the middle of a dilemna.  After having lost my baby to tragic circumstances and not being able to carry anymore unless I put my own life and the baby's at risk, I'm left to make a quick decision about surrogacy.

My hubby and I have been learning about surrogacy for the last 2 1/2 months and have found that there are no surrogates interested in carrying a baby for someone who already has two healthy children, no matter what their circumstances are.  We've also learned that it's VERY expensive.  About 50K or so.


So after signing up with a few surrogacy related sites and posting some ads, we've talked with MANY people and have found the women out there who want to be surrogates all have such incredibly open hearts.  We have also found a very special person who IS willing to carry a baby for  US!!

Here's the catch, she's on the other side of the country.  This would be no problem for us if we had the money sitting in the bank saying to us: SPEND ME.  But we don't.  We've got some, enough to get the process started, but not enough with out having to use credit.  Yep you read it right!  Credit.  that big bad ugly word, we all hate.

You know, credit isn't all that bad, it's helped us start our business and it's helped us pay for our groceries when there weren't any, it's helped us get the kids to school and it's helped us put gas in our vehicles.  I'm just tired of having to use it.  I guess I'm still young and by the time I'm a little more grey, it won't matter anymore how much credit I've used, especially if was for having the opportunity to have a child of our own.

So what do we do now?  Do we say to ourselves, "be happy with what God has already given you, and move on pouring out love to the two little girls that you have in your arms."  OR "Ready, set, go!  Let's go for it with a surrogate and try to have another baby and fill the empty place that's in our hearts and arms.  Let's use what ever credit we must and pay for it for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes to have another baby to love."

I know that some people would say "You're lucky to have the two you do have, some people don't even have one kid!"  But my rebuttle is "That doesn't minimize the fact that our hearts have always desired to have 4 children, and my heart and arms have been waiting for 4 years for the next little one to come along."

I just wish i had some more time.  I've just recently dove into a new business venture in hopes to make some money for a surrogate, but i didn't think it was going to take the investment that it has, so in reality, today i'm a little further behind than i want to be.

But here's my positive note:   I'm aiming to break even by the time the summer is over, God is good, He won't leave me high and dry.  And, where there's a will there's a way!  I know God will provide a way for us... a much less stressful way...and maybe a little more time.

Anyone want to donate?????  Can i put pay pal on this blog so that you can donate to the baby fund?
lmk
Peace
Julie

I Should write a book

It's 10pm and i'm sitting here in an office with my kids playing on the floor making a sign for my new popcorn business.  The little one grabs a pillow and lays her head down on the carpet, while the older one builds a castle out of blocks.  Have they eaten anything in the last 5 hours?  Oh yah, ironically they had popcorn.  Popcorn has become my life for the last month and i'm not sure where my head sits on my shoulders most days. I'm seeing spots, well popcorn kernals actually, blue, pink, purple...

Do I need to keep my head so jam packed with stuff or can I breathe at any point?  Signs, labels, ingredients, bags, twist ties, kernals, colors, flavors.... My kitchen looks like a science lab only instead of beakers and test tubes its popcorn buckets and measurements everywhere!

I hope to make a professional image with selling popcorn....well....it is just popcorn, how professional can it get?  I guess my goal right now is just to make some signs so i don't look like a fool out there, but man i'm cheap so i wont go to a sign maker, besides, I can do it.  Just like i've done everything else...be a mom, a wife, a business person, a sister, a daughter, a cleaner, a cook, oh and a popcorn maker!

My biggest worry is that i'm not going to have the right prices and that people will walk away from my booth. I don't want that!  I also dont want to undersell myself.  I have to remind myself again..it's just popcorn.
I've been stressing over prices so much though, that my hubby finally said that he would take care of pricing things and i wouldn't have to do any of it. Whew!

You know, i've taken classes on how to handle stress and this time around my skills seem to have left me.
Stress is a bad beast, it's taken over on me so much that my hair is falling out!  Yep, and i don't know how to get a handle of it, there's just so much for me to do! My list is way too long, i need a vacation from the business I just started.