Feeling Sad and Happy

After cancelling my TL surgery last week I finally felt something in my heart and mind that I hadn't felt in a very long time....so long that it was a foreign feeling for a while.  It was a confusing  place to be because my mourning had ceased for a day or two and I finally felt...happy!  Am I allowed to feel this way? Does it mean I've forgotten my baby Westley? No.
Maybe it just means that someone thinks I'm important.  Enough that he decided to take my place in an extremely undesirable situation and I'm feeling incredibly blessed, relieved from the stress of thinking about it and starting to heal.

Would you believe that once the decision was made and the call to the hospital was made I felt like I was going to be judged by others?  Would they think I'm a nut to back out of it?  Would they think I'm foolish?  Would my reasons be reasonable?  Would they think that I'm putting myself in danger by NOT doing it?  These questions circled in my mind for days...still are.  Even though I got glimpses of happiness I am riddled with these worries and they've been robbing my finally found joy.  Some conversations have confirmed that I've been blessed by my husband's decision; some conversations confirmed that it's our choice, doesn't matter what other people think, my husband and I must do what is right for us; and yet some conversations have confirmed that there is some judgement.

I know its crazy to even worry about it, especially since I decided to start this blog to let others into my life and not worry about what they thought of me.  My goal was to be authentic and transparent about what's happening in my life.  To confirm to myself that I'm normal, and not such an outcast as I thought and felt I was.  But letting go of worrying about what other people think, a worry that's riddled me most of my life, is a VERY hard thing to actually do.  Easy to say, hard to do.  I'm challenging myself everyday though with positive affirmations of who I am, who I want to believe in my heart I am, and who Christ says I am.  The surgery cancellation has been the most wonderful thing that's happened to me all year, I'm SO GLAD I don't have to go through with it.  I'm happy, but still sad.  Like today, I was crying again because I know that there's another baby about to be born, next month in fact, that could be mine, but I just don't know if it will be.  Please pray for this baby to go where God knows he belongs.



I used to think I had to be accepted by others, now I'm learning (operative word: learning...haven't gotten there yet) that I AM accepted, I'm accepted in the eyes of Christ.  He wanted me to be here on this earth, He's written all the days of my life, even my grief; because I know He's carrying me through it, as hard as it has been some days.   I'm learning that I am free of shame and condemnation.  The condemnation that I think others have of me, I'm learning, is unrealistic, because I can't read other people's minds!  Even if there is condemnation, it doesn't matter because  I am free of shame and condemnation in Christ.  He's bore all the shame and condemnation for me on the cross.  I'm learning that I am loved with an everlasting love.  Often I have said to John, in my depression, that I'm not worthy of his love, but he comes to me in greater expressions of his love for me, it's unconditional.  John loves me no matter what, no matter how moody I am, no matter how picky I am, no matter how caring and thoughtful I am, no matter what.  He's shown me in a very tangible way about God's love for me....it doesn't stop.  I am loved with an everlasting love, and even if John's love for me ever does stop, it's ok, because the everlasting love I have comes from God, my Creator.

I'm learning that God doesn't create junk, so I must not be junk, I'm important.  Even though my body failed me and I lost the baby I longed for for 4 years, God gave me a chance to be with him for the months I did have him.  So I must not be junk, although right after the surgery (the uterine rupture) I certainly felt like I was junk.  I know now that it wasn't my fault, I'm not to blame, there's no one to blame, not God, not the doc who did my D&C years ago, no one.  It was part of God's plan to have Westley by His side sooner than I wanted but just in the time that He wanted.  I teach my kids to say this to themselves often: I am important, because I want them to know in their heart of hearts that they are, not only to me and John, but to their Creator.

And now I hit the "publish" button for this entry. Do I go to sleep tonight worrying about what others will think about what I've written? (told you it's hard to do but easy to say) Or do I sleep at ease knowing that my honesty will some how bring me peace and hopefully some deeper meaningful friendships?  We'll see....I'd love to connect with you, when you see me come talk to me, because I really don't know who's reading, or give me a call.  I've changed the settings for leaving comments, it's much easier now, try by clicking "post a comment"  A comment is your response to what I've written, it helps me know who's reading and if what I've written is meaningful to you just as much as it is to me.