My baby is in GOD's arms.

Should I have a surrogate or not???? God, what is Your will for me?  You know how badly I want a big family.  You know how much i miss my sweet Westley baby.  Will you send me a baby again?  The little girls in my family are waiting so patiently for the baby to arrive.


You've opened the doors with a person of a huge heart to come into our lives.  She is willing and waiting for us to have her as our surrogate!  Yeah!

But wait.... what's that You're saying to me God?

What?....

No????????????????????

I don't understand.  A woman said she would carry a baby for us.  Our baby, it would be our genetic baby, she would be our surro.  But You're saying NO????

I don't understand God, why would you open the doors, develop a deep and beautiful relationship between us and our potential surrogate.  We've gotten to know each other so well over the last 3 months, and have discussed EVERYTHING!  She wants to have a baby for us.  You know..a baby..like the one who went to heaven?  Yeah, a baby!  But You're saying NO?

WHY!@!@$#!@$@!?????????????

Him talking:

"Because my child, I will make your joy complete.  I will fill you with My peace.  Come to me and drink from the water of Life, I have given you the breath of life, I have given the breath of life to your children.  I will give  you your family.  I will determine the size of your family.  I have given you four children.  I have given you two children for now to care for on earth.  You are My child.  I will care for you.  I have given you a home.  I have given you a partner."

Me talking:

I don't understand God, it's something I've always wanted....it's hard for me to let go...I don't want to obey...I don't want to listen to You...I want a baby!  My arms are empty, my heart has a hole, my family isn't complete!

But......'sigh'

I choose to obey, I choose to submit.  I know You have good plans.  As painful as it is I will obey.  I will give my whole heart to You, and to John, Kaneeka and Sasha, these very important people in my life.  I will give You my heart.  I choose to believe that You will heal it and You will heal my body.

I know that one day, something else will come along...maybe another surrogate, maybe a baby to adopt, maybe a child to adopt, maybe nothing.  Whatever Your plans are for us I will obey.  It sure is hard, but I'm broken inside as it is, my only hope is in what You have for me.  Here I am God.  I'm all Yours.