I didn't ever think that i could get to a place of feeling depressed yet AGAIN! Teens, adulthood, every other year!!!!!AHHH WHEN DOES IT STOP!
My cousin just had her baby, my other cousin is having a baby, and i am babyless!
Can life be more unfair? When you plan you life for the last 4 years around having a baby, then you get pregnant and then lose it all....baby and ability to have a any more babies all at once...and your family members are having babies left right and centre it's a sure formula to get depressed...and that's exactly how i feel!
If I planned my child and the others didnt, and I lost my child and the others get to keep theirs...how fair is that! ITS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will be only two weeks until my baby was due to be born...Sept 20th..and oh what a beautiful baby he would have been. I got to hold him for a short time...the little preemie that he was. He would have been such a cute little guy, so sweet so full of life...as he was. No wonder i'm crying everyday. He's not with me, and he should be. :(
2 comments:
I will be praying for you on Sept 20 I know how hard that day will be. Maybe do something special to remember your son. release a balloon plant a flower that blooms in september.
I know Its not fair to see others around you with kids in their arms and you with empty arms. I too experience this with all my pregancies as there was always someone pregnat the same time as me. and it was so tough to be there and celebrate their joy when you are so crushed w/ grief over yours and to add further salt to the wound to see those kids grow up and wonder about your. ITS NOT FAIR. mine would be 9,7,5,5,3 added to my others that r 8,4,2
I miss my brood I went through a 10 year depression. That my house has never recovered from. I daily battle it but its a struggle. i don't know if I have recovered from. its been so long under the radar. not bad enough to warrent medical help but still there and I mask it so well.
I stil hate it when people tell you "you will be okay and get over this cause you have to be their for your kids." Oh how many times I let them be in front of the tv and let the emptyness overwhelm me and thought it would be better off if they were with out me that my husband was doing a better job than I anyways what would it matter. Oh how I let this house go that it's so run down and ugly and overwelming - it is sooo me.
For a long time Jesus has been wooing me. ever so gentle and quite letting me rant and rave holding me hand and gentely whispering to me and encouraging me to hope for tommorrow and have my kids smile and give me a hug at just the right time and say they need me.
My house is so cluttered and depressing. I don't allow people/kids in. its a vaccume of dispair. I always runaway from it and stay out - keep the kids busy outside of the house cause just being in there At times I just sit and stare at the clutter where to start is so overwhelming and there is so much to do just torch it and be done with it.
Recently Jesus showed me that the overwelming cluttered house I lived in was me and the more I decluttered the house the more my life would be decluttered. and be able to listen to him and have a closer relationship with him. Its been a challenge as I hide behind my house
So I have started Amazingly bit by bit taking the challenge and tackling room by room at times going back and doing it again. eventually I will win and As I do this I am starting to feel again and to feel Jesus again.
For me to finaly fill that emptyness I had to truely let go and allow God to come and help me release my kids back to him. I Had to let go of the shame bitterness and anger I had towards Jesus and allow him in to start to heal me As I heal this house Jesus is healing me.
I was at a prayer meeting recently and Jesus gave me a picture gift little did I know how special it was
I was kneeling before these huge gigantic tanned feet I am clutching 3 hearts my kids. all 3 have issues that i have tried on my own to fix but I am at a loss. I am ready to let go to let go of control I can no longer protect them I can no longer fix them I can no longer help them there problems are too great. I soo tired of holding everything together of putting on the "everything is fine face" on the outside - just please don't come in to my house and see the true me.
I wrestle with myself until I came to the place that I had to let go Lord you have control of my kids and I let go of the 3 hearts that rolled down in front of the large feet.
Ever so gently 2 lg tan nailed scared hands came and scooped up the hearts and cluched them close to his chest. I was filled with such a peace. Something I never felt before.
A few hours later Sarah had a life threating fall and was rushed to the trama unit. I still had Jesus's peace cause All Sarah had was minor induries. and was released a few hours later. She fell into Jesus' hand.
Boy i have gone on some rabbit trails sorry. I hope some of my words give you hope.
Irene
thank you irene for your precious words. I had no idea that there was such a sea of emotions going on for you. I am so blessed to finally know. i am so thankful that you shared this as its hard to think i'm alone with all the pain. But now i can see that i'm not and someday will come thru it.
it's sept 20th today.
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