Today is a very confusing day for me as a woman, because tomorrow I get my tubes tied.
This is something i don't want to do because i desperately want to have more children. I always wanted to have 4 children. Oh my goodness, I'm full of so many emotions today...but in the end of them all I'm doing it because I'm choosing life. I'm choosing not to get pregnant, and risk another rupture and essentially death. I'm choosing to give my little girls a mom for the rest of their lives, even though I can't give them a brother or sister anymore. I'm choosing to give my husband a wife for the rest of his life, even though i can't give him a son or daughter anymore.
It's a very mixed place to be as a woman
Do you know any other woman who has had their tubes tied because they wanted more children, not because they didn't want more children? (there's no typo here, you read it right)
Do you see how contradictory it is for me as a woman, a female, a human given the title female in order to represent the ability to have a spirit and body formed and created inside of me. To have my body altered so I can never conceive again :( but then to do it so that i don't risk another uterine rupture from conceiving again.
AAAHHHH, it's a very strange place for me to be emotionally, I've been kinda solemn today and for the past week, but one thing I know is that I'm choosing life....life for my family.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and October 15th is the national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Join me on Friday October 15th by lighting a candle to remember Westley (Dec 2009-April 22, 2010), Adam (2004), and any babies of yours in heaven. I'll be lighting a blue candle given to me today by a dear new friend who very thoughtfully expressed her understanding of my life's circumstances with this very special gift.
www.october15th.com
This video says what it's like for a woman to lose a baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
This is how it feels:
http://www.pakistan.tv/videos-this-is-how-it-feels-%5BE1c0q_Q-CWE%5D.cfm
10 comments:
I'm here Sital..reading and sending you positive thoughts.
thank you sangeet
Julie - I am sending you love and strength as you take this unwanted step into your life.
Thank you for making me aware of national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I will join you in lighting a candle for your dear sons and my own lost babe (2004).
xox
You guys are in our prayers. I couln't imagine being in your place. It makes my losing 2 babies such a small sacrifice. Praying that God of all comfort will comfort you guys today. Love you.
thank you sue and shirlene, you guys are so encouraging.
Your losses are no small thing, I'm so sorry for your loss. Jesus is holding all of our little babes close to His bosom
I am praying for you. Thanks for sharing. I greive with you I have been compleplating the same surgery for the same reasons. my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. or is it me couldn't handle another loss. Thanks for letting me know about oct 15 the room will be lit with candles to remember our losses.
Irene B
Oh Julie. I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time processing the end of your ability to carry another pregnancy. Remember though, this is not the end of fertility for you. You are looking at this one sided. Open your mind, heart, soul. You will still have your ovaries, which can be used to make an embryo. You CAN still conceive, just in a different way. Your losing the ability to conceive within your body, but you’re not losing the ability to conceive outside of your body. A child is first conceived in your heart. So, when you’re feeling down and that this is the end of new motherhood for you. It is MOST DEFINATELY NOT THE END. This is just a different fork in the road.
I hope you are at peace with choosing life for yourself and a mommy for Kaneeka and Sasha. Also, as a wife to John. Your also choosing life for yourself as a friend, sibling, daughter, etc. I believe it was the best choice for your family.
I want to leave you with my favourite quote of all time. “Life is not measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”. You will be a mom again with faith, determination and strength to get past this bump on your journey to have another child. However, the moment that child is in your arms...it won’t matter how it got there. Keep reminding yourself that your dream is to be a mom to four children. You already are a mom of four with Kaneeka, Sasha, Westley and Adam. Your destination now is to be a mom of four on earth. That is achievable through adoption or surrogacy. It can happen. Pregnancy is wonderful and I can’t imagine how you feel to lose that opportunity. But, pregnancy is less than a year...being a mommy lasts forever, no matter how that child comes to you. Four children WILL run around your home, four children will be tucked in every night. You have to see that end of the rainbow. Don’t look at this as the end. It’s like a commercial, the show will go on...
Keep your chin up high, keep the faith and that God chose you as someone very special to bare this painful burden of losing children and your ability to carry. He chose you because he KNOWS your strong and that he can do wonderful things for you. Put your trust in Him. He knows where your path will lead. He wouldn’t put this desire in your heart without knowing there was another way for you to get there. He is counting on you to find it.
I hope your surgery went well, that your healing process (both physically and emotionally) are speedy.
Warm hugs to you.
Melanie
Melanie, MELANIE!!! oh my goodness, I cried three times reading your words. Thank you for such hope, such HOPE! I've never in my life had someone so clearly articulate hope in such a meaningful way to me. Thank YOU! You've lifted my heart, my spirits, my outlook, and my whole being. You've confirmed my value as a woman, a mom and a human being. Thank You thank you THANK YOU!
Julie
i'm so excited to see more people subscribing to my blog, it also gives me a sense of value. I've chosen to be transparent with my life and not isolated anymore...a path I walked for many MANY years, well, no more! Here I am, here is me...human...woman...wife...mother...homemaker...businesswoman...teacher...fitness instructor...friend...child of God...me.
No thank you is required. Its the truth. If you choose to take the rain, there will be rainbows. I promise.
How you feeling beautiful?
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