Dear Westley,
I think of you everyday, I miss you.  I miss you.  I want to hold you and cuddle you and be with you.  I waited for 4 years for you and now you're gone...I didn't even get to cuddle you as i hoped.  I always felt as though someone was missing from our house, some one special. Someone with giggles and smiles.  It was you that was missing, and you were almost here.  well, you were here, but not for nearly long enough.  I want to hold you my son, I want to smell the sweet scent of your baby hair.  I want to lay your little ear against my chest so you can hear my heartbeat.  I want to feel your soft baby skin.
Today your sisters put their baby doll in my hands and said it was you Westley, but I couldn't hold it, it was too painful to think that I should have been really holding you, a real baby not just a doll.  I want to hold you my little one.  I want to hold you.
Will i ever hold a baby again?
Lord, I know you have my Westley with you in heaven but i want you to know how much i miss him, oh so much.  I really didn't want to have any more heartache after suffering for so many years.  Please Lord, offer me some joy, some genuine joy.  Walk me through this very confusing and bumpy road.

How do I balance this life?

If i'm spending all of my day teaching my kids, cooking for my kids, cleaning for my kids, driving my kids around, studying for my kids, baking with my kids, reading to my kids, and then having them sleep on my arm at the last of the night at 10:30pm when I want to go to sleep myself, because they are up until their father comes home, where is there any time for me?  I want to study for them, and understand homeschooling better...but there's no time!!!  I'm so glad to be with them, because this is one of my goals as a home teacher, but i'm also finding it challenging to have time to myself, or time with my husband alone, or time to do research and studying to improve our learning environment.  Along with all of that, there's still a heavy grief of my loss sitting on my heart, that sometimes makes me unable to move.  The alternative of putting them into the local school is absolutely not an option.  I am not going to subject myself to the hectic schedule that they demand and then wind up in the hospital again from stress, absolutely not.  What do i do?....this time dilemna is one of the reasons i'm not writing on my blog very much....no time!  Along with that, the grief of our loss of our son and the loss of my fertility is weighing heavy on my heart everyday.  This is adding to much confusion in my mind.

Getting Better

I've been getting better.  I'm starting to see the good things in life.  I just saw the movie "The Secret."  I'm trying to say positive thoughts in the place of negative ones.  All day I was saying things like..."I'm calm" "I love my home" to try to combat the thoughts of hating the mess that's around my home or the frustration i get when i see the mess. It's working for the most part.  I just know I've got to do a whole lot more of it.

I've been frustrated a lot lately, just because I've got  a lot of work on my plate and i'd like it to lighten but it's hard do to know how to lighten it.  I want to scream some days just to get the frustration out. 

I often think to myself "who am I"  and then sit quietly...with no answer.  some days i have confidence, some days i have confusion.  When i'm emotional, I'm confused.  When I'm calm, I'm confident.  I feel broken today, in pain, and lost.  Will I ever really get to know that I can have a happy life.  A life that is full of thanks giving, a life that's full of joy.  I don't want to complain.  Am I complaining?  I'm just sad for now.  I'm going to a retreat this weekend...quiet time alone is always good.  I'll see how I feel later this week. I hope to come back refreshed.

I can't believe it!  I haven't written on this blog much in the last few weeks because i'm so darn worried about what other people will think!  AARRHHH!  It sucks so much to have this worry.  I'm trying to let it go but it's really hard.  I have so much to say....so much to share...but...I'm worried.  What about this person, what about that person.

Actually i must say it's been good to have it to keep other up to date about what's going on, with regards to the surgery but now i'm just bottled up with so many emotions that i just can't get out.  I thought that this blog would serve as a place for me to vent but it's now become much more, in my head that is.  What do i do?  Daily there's so much going on that i need to vent, but now I'm stuck and I'm a pot that's boiling, ready to boil over.