Although our home was not filled with the joyous sounds of a newborn baby when we were expecting Westley, and it's something we dearly miss, we decided that it was time to bring the joy of babies to our home some way.
Last night four babies arrived in our home.
Four beautiful little girls joined our family.
Our beloved Angel, whom is our family pet, a Maltese doggie had a gorgeous litter of four pups! We love them so much! Their little squeaks are the sweetest coos ever. We are all very happy!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
2 Years Today
Two years ago today I heard a healthy heartbeat. "The baby is fine" they told me.
Heavenward Westley went and there he stays, living with his brother Adam, Grandpa Don, Greatgrandpas, Greatgrandmas. and lots of others. He lives in a paradise, playing, laughing, singing, smiling, & happy everyday. He's always full of love and sharing lots of hugs. He gets to sit next to Jesus and talk to Him anytime.
Wow, what a life. It's perfect... it's paradise.
His soul is eternal, just like ours. He's not gonna die, he gets to LIVE forever.
Loving you always.
Love Mommy.
Heavenward Westley went and there he stays, living with his brother Adam, Grandpa Don, Greatgrandpas, Greatgrandmas. and lots of others. He lives in a paradise, playing, laughing, singing, smiling, & happy everyday. He's always full of love and sharing lots of hugs. He gets to sit next to Jesus and talk to Him anytime.
Wow, what a life. It's perfect... it's paradise.
His soul is eternal, just like ours. He's not gonna die, he gets to LIVE forever.
Loving you always.
Love Mommy.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
It's Westley's due date today. We would have celebrated his 1st birthday today.
Today September 19, is the day Westley would have been born had he been given a longer chance to live.
He would be holding the furniture walking along it taking baby steps beaming with a baby tooth smile. He would be babbling his first sounds saying "da da da da." He would be using sign language to tell me he wants more cheerios. I would be tickling him all over on my bed rolling around and saying "I l-l-l-l-love you!". His sisters would be gently holding him by the hand,one on each side and swinging him up in the air on the front lawn saying "1-2-3-UP!" John would be kissing him all over his cheeks saying "You're my best bud little guy, I love you!" I would be putting him in his high chair with a cupcake on the tray and his grandmas, grandpa, cousins, aunts, uncles and all the neighbor kids would be over singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Westley, happy birthday to you!" we would all cheer and be so happy and having so much fun.
But nope.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not ever.
Because Westley died.
He was born on April 22 not September 19 like he should have. He was born too soon and he died. He died. He died. My son died.
I don't get to hold him or talk to him or tickle him. And I want to.
He would be holding the furniture walking along it taking baby steps beaming with a baby tooth smile. He would be babbling his first sounds saying "da da da da." He would be using sign language to tell me he wants more cheerios. I would be tickling him all over on my bed rolling around and saying "I l-l-l-l-love you!". His sisters would be gently holding him by the hand,one on each side and swinging him up in the air on the front lawn saying "1-2-3-UP!" John would be kissing him all over his cheeks saying "You're my best bud little guy, I love you!" I would be putting him in his high chair with a cupcake on the tray and his grandmas, grandpa, cousins, aunts, uncles and all the neighbor kids would be over singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Westley, happy birthday to you!" we would all cheer and be so happy and having so much fun.
But nope.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not ever.
Because Westley died.
He was born on April 22 not September 19 like he should have. He was born too soon and he died. He died. He died. My son died.
I don't get to hold him or talk to him or tickle him. And I want to.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Missing You
I'm missing you Westley, and I'm missing all the siblings you would have had. There's sayings like "follow your dreams" and "believe in your dreams". I'm just discouraged because I pursued my dreams in a few different aspects of life and my dreams haven't come true. I've been left with disappointment. I want to believe again, i really do. Mourning such losses are hard to see through.
In regards to my last post and the comment about what donations would be used for. Look at this infertitliy help link I'd like to write more about it in another entry. When I feel strong enough. For now, I'm just getting a lot of grief from the people around me when I'm real about what's going on in my world and unfortunately I am prevented from letting out the feelings all bottled up inside of me. I've called the crisis line a few times now because i just need to talk, and let me tell you, they are the best listeners ever. Call them, it helps. When i told them what's going on in my life, they said...this is why we are here, to help people in your situation. What a relief.
In regards to my last post and the comment about what donations would be used for. Look at this infertitliy help link I'd like to write more about it in another entry. When I feel strong enough. For now, I'm just getting a lot of grief from the people around me when I'm real about what's going on in my world and unfortunately I am prevented from letting out the feelings all bottled up inside of me. I've called the crisis line a few times now because i just need to talk, and let me tell you, they are the best listeners ever. Call them, it helps. When i told them what's going on in my life, they said...this is why we are here, to help people in your situation. What a relief.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I held a baby
I held a baby on Saturday June 18th for a whole hour! I cooed with the baby, talked to the baby, bottle fed the baby, and the baby slept in my arms.
I haven't even been able to look at someone else's baby for over a year with the exception of a retreat I went to in November where there were 9 babies around me. Then I held one for a bit and haven't since.
It's been so painful to see babies, so angering that they have a healthy baby in thier hands and I don't.
But I read a sentence in a book I picked up at the Christian book store called "surviving the loss of a child" and in it the author said she was comforted by seeing her heaven gone daughter's friends as long as she didn't think about what her child would look like now, or how much fun it would be for her child to be there playing with them. Those thoughts meant psychological mayhem. Her husband on the other hand couldnt bear even looking at the friends of their daughter, which showed he was comforted in different ways.
So I tried it. I tried to think that these babies were unique individuals and weren't my westley and I held my neighbors 5 month old for 5 minutes and my other neighbor's 3 month old for an hour.
I still cried as I told them my story and my heart was feeling so contradicted. I Was totally in the moment of this beautiful baby in my hands and when I saw her little mouth and tongue and gums and the cuteness and innocence of her babyness I could't help but feel devastated that I was so close to this moment myself with Westley and now I'm so so far away from it unless i come up with thousands of dollars.
Truly, it's thousands of dollars away for me now. I need money in order to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It's incredibly unfair but totally worth the effort.
If you feel like it's a worthwhile cause to offer us some funds we are more than happy to accept them.
I know that without a financial miracle there's no way for us to see the face and feel the cuddle and warmth of our own baby whom we can coo with and love ever again.
...
Ok, I'm going to be bold here and just ask. I mean the worst thing you could say is no and the best thing you could say is yes. Ask and ye shall receive.
Will you give us a financial gift to help us see a baby in our arms again?
If you say yes then you could send an email money transfer to my inbox
preciousdiamonds9@gmail.com
or you can give us a visa or MasterCard number and we can transact it through our store and mail you a receipt or, a cheque to our home address which I will give you if you email me or cash or...anything else. I wish I knew how to add paypal to this site. If you know how and could tell me please do.
I know this is forward but I'm done with being shy and am ready to be bold. Prayerfully consider this and thank you in advance. Blessings to you.
I haven't even been able to look at someone else's baby for over a year with the exception of a retreat I went to in November where there were 9 babies around me. Then I held one for a bit and haven't since.
It's been so painful to see babies, so angering that they have a healthy baby in thier hands and I don't.
But I read a sentence in a book I picked up at the Christian book store called "surviving the loss of a child" and in it the author said she was comforted by seeing her heaven gone daughter's friends as long as she didn't think about what her child would look like now, or how much fun it would be for her child to be there playing with them. Those thoughts meant psychological mayhem. Her husband on the other hand couldnt bear even looking at the friends of their daughter, which showed he was comforted in different ways.
So I tried it. I tried to think that these babies were unique individuals and weren't my westley and I held my neighbors 5 month old for 5 minutes and my other neighbor's 3 month old for an hour.
I still cried as I told them my story and my heart was feeling so contradicted. I Was totally in the moment of this beautiful baby in my hands and when I saw her little mouth and tongue and gums and the cuteness and innocence of her babyness I could't help but feel devastated that I was so close to this moment myself with Westley and now I'm so so far away from it unless i come up with thousands of dollars.
Truly, it's thousands of dollars away for me now. I need money in order to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It's incredibly unfair but totally worth the effort.
If you feel like it's a worthwhile cause to offer us some funds we are more than happy to accept them.
I know that without a financial miracle there's no way for us to see the face and feel the cuddle and warmth of our own baby whom we can coo with and love ever again.
...
Ok, I'm going to be bold here and just ask. I mean the worst thing you could say is no and the best thing you could say is yes. Ask and ye shall receive.
Will you give us a financial gift to help us see a baby in our arms again?
If you say yes then you could send an email money transfer to my inbox
preciousdiamonds9@gmail.com
or you can give us a visa or MasterCard number and we can transact it through our store and mail you a receipt or, a cheque to our home address which I will give you if you email me or cash or...anything else. I wish I knew how to add paypal to this site. If you know how and could tell me please do.
I know this is forward but I'm done with being shy and am ready to be bold. Prayerfully consider this and thank you in advance. Blessings to you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Compassionate friends retreat
This weekend I'm going to "the compassionate friends" retreat.
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hope and Healing after baby loss
Hope and Healing after the loss of a baby workshop is on Monday May 30th, 2011 from 6:30-9:30pm. Join me & tell your friends. I hope my parents, mom in law, and maybe cousins can come to this workshop with me. It's at 20675 87th Ave Langley at St. Nicholas Catholic Church .
This workshop is for those grieving the loss of a younger child, infant or baby who has died at birth, or during pregnancy. It is also geared towards caregivers and volunteers dedicated to supporting these families.
Hear from an experienced therapist who works with bereaved families and a parent who will share her faith-based journey in search of hope and healing after the loss of her baby. Discuss healthy ways to work through the grief process and ideas on how to honour your child. You are not alone…meet others who understand what it is like to love and miss a little one.
Who might be interested in attending? Parents, adult family members and friends. Professionals and volunteers who support bereaved families after the loss of a young life are also encouraged to attend. Note that caregivers will be given the opportunity to hear first-hand the kind of support bereaved families need, as well as share ideas with one another in a group setting.
Additional details and topics can be found here.
Cost: $30/person or 2 tickets for $55. After May 16th $35/person or 2 tickets for $65. Partial proceeds will be donated to organizations that support bereaved parents.
REGISTRATION
Pls. call: Denis Boyd & Associates at 604.931.7(two)11 to pre-register. Email: info(at)littlelightofheaven.com for more info.
~~~
*RSVP: Ann & Donna – info(at)littlelightofheaven.com
Prayers for parents and family members who wish to honour the lives of all young children gone-too-soon, including toddlers and infants, babies lost during or after birth, and all babies who have died during pregnancy including those who were miscarried and stillborn will be included.
Couples who are struggling with infertility and those trying to conceive; parents who are expecting and those on a waiting list to adopt; as well as parents who lovingly chose to give up and/or welcome children through adoption and fostering will also be remembered on this day.
TEDDY BEAR TEA
Coffee & tea will be available. Please consider donating a small teddy bear in honour of your child, which will be given as a gift to bereaved families. This social is open to everyone, especially bereaved parents and other family members including children, as well as those who support grieving families.
Families can also enter the name of their child in the “Little Book of Life” and light a candle for a little one.
*Please RSVP so that enough programs, candles & refreshments are available.
For more info. click here.
This workshop is for those grieving the loss of a younger child, infant or baby who has died at birth, or during pregnancy. It is also geared towards caregivers and volunteers dedicated to supporting these families.
Hear from an experienced therapist who works with bereaved families and a parent who will share her faith-based journey in search of hope and healing after the loss of her baby. Discuss healthy ways to work through the grief process and ideas on how to honour your child. You are not alone…meet others who understand what it is like to love and miss a little one.
Who might be interested in attending? Parents, adult family members and friends. Professionals and volunteers who support bereaved families after the loss of a young life are also encouraged to attend. Note that caregivers will be given the opportunity to hear first-hand the kind of support bereaved families need, as well as share ideas with one another in a group setting.
Additional details and topics can be found here.
Cost: $30/person or 2 tickets for $55. After May 16th $35/person or 2 tickets for $65. Partial proceeds will be donated to organizations that support bereaved parents.
REGISTRATION
Pls. call: Denis Boyd & Associates at 604.931.7(two)11 to pre-register. Email: info(at)littlelightofheaven.com for more info.
~~~
*BABY & INFANT MEMORIAL SERVICE*
& Teddy Bear Tea
NEW date: June 11
Where: St. Matthew’s Parish, Surrey
Memorial Mass Service: 5:30pm – 6:20pm
“Teddy Bear” Tea & Social: 6:30pm – 7:30pm *RSVP: Ann & Donna – info(at)littlelightofheaven.com
Prayers for parents and family members who wish to honour the lives of all young children gone-too-soon, including toddlers and infants, babies lost during or after birth, and all babies who have died during pregnancy including those who were miscarried and stillborn will be included.
Couples who are struggling with infertility and those trying to conceive; parents who are expecting and those on a waiting list to adopt; as well as parents who lovingly chose to give up and/or welcome children through adoption and fostering will also be remembered on this day.
TEDDY BEAR TEA
Coffee & tea will be available. Please consider donating a small teddy bear in honour of your child, which will be given as a gift to bereaved families. This social is open to everyone, especially bereaved parents and other family members including children, as well as those who support grieving families.
Families can also enter the name of their child in the “Little Book of Life” and light a candle for a little one.
*Please RSVP so that enough programs, candles & refreshments are available.
For more info. click here.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sitting next to a pregnant woman
Tonight I saw a woman who was VERY pregnant. Not only did i see her, I sat next to her at a bridal shower party I went to. In all honesty the first thing hat went through my mind was 'oh great, a pregnant woman is here, I avoid pregnant women, now what do I do?' I got up from my seat and deliberately walked away where I wouldn't notice her.
Then all the guests sat together around the coffee table so the presents could be opened and where did my seat end up landing? Right across from her. So now I have a full view of her very pregnant belly. Can't escape. Can't move seats, there are no more. Now what. Just gonna have to sit and focus on the bride not the pregnancy.
From the corner of my eye I saw her stoke her belly lovingly and thought 'I don't want to see this...because I can't have it... I want to be her.' Then more gentle touches from mama to baby as the night progressed, and I saw from the corner of my eye to a slight turn of my head to looking at her belly for longer lengths of time.
My heart changed along with my glances. As I saw this caring mother caress her unborn baby, I began feeling uneasy, to feeling light twinges of awe, to open wonderment and love. My heart softened and the agony for longing for my own child slowly sloughed off and wonder and amazement began to grow. Like a flower that starts of as a bud and as the sun and rain both fall the bud begins to grow and blossoms into a beautiful flower everyone can enjoy. Thats how I felt tonight. I thought in my quietness 'wow, there's a baby in there. A life. A real person.' It was the beginning of seeing the wonderful miracle that pregnancy is, without the sadness. Thank you Lord.
As I drove home and spent time alone with the Lord I gave to Him the burdens in my heart. There are many burdens. Many.
My Lord my God, take my stress, I'm trying to make decisions on my own and debate what the right decision is to make for a very important part of my life. Please make the path clear for me and John and remove the stress that surrounds it. Amen'
...
...
Right after I typed out this prayer, the Lord gave me this in my head: "My chid My plans are not to harm you but to prosper you to give you a hope and a future."
Then all the guests sat together around the coffee table so the presents could be opened and where did my seat end up landing? Right across from her. So now I have a full view of her very pregnant belly. Can't escape. Can't move seats, there are no more. Now what. Just gonna have to sit and focus on the bride not the pregnancy.
From the corner of my eye I saw her stoke her belly lovingly and thought 'I don't want to see this...because I can't have it... I want to be her.' Then more gentle touches from mama to baby as the night progressed, and I saw from the corner of my eye to a slight turn of my head to looking at her belly for longer lengths of time.
My heart changed along with my glances. As I saw this caring mother caress her unborn baby, I began feeling uneasy, to feeling light twinges of awe, to open wonderment and love. My heart softened and the agony for longing for my own child slowly sloughed off and wonder and amazement began to grow. Like a flower that starts of as a bud and as the sun and rain both fall the bud begins to grow and blossoms into a beautiful flower everyone can enjoy. Thats how I felt tonight. I thought in my quietness 'wow, there's a baby in there. A life. A real person.' It was the beginning of seeing the wonderful miracle that pregnancy is, without the sadness. Thank you Lord.
As I drove home and spent time alone with the Lord I gave to Him the burdens in my heart. There are many burdens. Many.
My Lord my God, take my stress, I'm trying to make decisions on my own and debate what the right decision is to make for a very important part of my life. Please make the path clear for me and John and remove the stress that surrounds it. Amen'
...
...
Right after I typed out this prayer, the Lord gave me this in my head: "My chid My plans are not to harm you but to prosper you to give you a hope and a future."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
One year and I love you SO MUCH.
Here's a video I made to remember my baby on his first heaven birthday April 22, 2011. The grief experts say it's important do something like this to express my love to him and bring healing. If you're sensitive to picts of a preemie then skip the video, otherwise enjoy, he's beautiful.
One year ago today I was about 6 months pregnant. I was staying at a relatives house for the week and it was time to head home. Moments before going to my car I fell to the floor in extreme abdominal pain. I was rushed to surrey memorial hospital. The baby's heartbeat was fine and strong. "No this can't be related to her pregnancy." declared the doctor.
Hours passed, the pain did not subside, but I was NOT in labour. Surgery began to identify the problem and later because the doctor found a serious complication that wouldn't allow his continued normal growth, my baby had to be removed, alive.
But...
he was too small to survive.
I got to hold him but was totally out of sorts because of the drugs they put me on.
What little I remember was that he was a boy, he was beautiful, he was a perfect baby, and he was just a bit bigger than my hand. I could see the shading of his organs through his thin skin. His eyes were closed, which indicated that he was well on in his development just a week or two away from being big enough to survive.
We named him Westley and gave him his father's name for his middle name John. Westley John, our son, brother to his three siblings.
I want to hold and snuggle you close my son. I miss all you were going to be. In heaven it must be so wonderful to know and meet Adam, your brother. I never got to hold him. I miss him too. I Love you so much, so much, SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUCH, SO MUCH it hurts :'(
I finally had the strength, besides all my fears of what 'people would think' or 'what insulting things they may say to me' because there's been more than a few insulting and hurtful comments through my journey of grief and loss, to publish a well deserved memoriam to honor my son's life because he lived from the moment of his conception to the moment he entered heaven. Who does that to a person who's experienced such deep and searing loss? This is my grief! Mine! Not yours! I will do what I need to do heal, don't put more on me that I don't need. My tears of grief are so precious, I need them to heal. I don't need your judgement of me to add tears of condemnation from you! Maybe you don't understand what it's like to lose something so dear, someone whom you carried with you 24/7 for half a year and dreamed of having for so many years. Maybe you did lose something and don't know how to process your pain. If so, cry, get counselling, and do something significant like a private memorial, so that you can find peace within your own heart and not look for it from others.
My son, is a loss like any other human being. He lived, he's loved, he died, he's remembered and deeply, indescribably missed. And he continues to live - forever in heaven. You'll meet him one day, he'll be a handsome fellow and he'll greet you with a warm smile. Be sure to give me a long hug, you who are reading this, the next time you see me or my hubby. The more hugs the better the healing.
The newspaper "The Coast Reporter" on the Sunshine Coast of BC has the memoriam published for this April 22, 2011. Exactly one year from the date he met Jesus.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Post vasectomy thoughts
With such a dramatic and incredibly important step behind us now with his vasectomy done I'm feeling many mixed emotions. During the surgery i found it odd that i was not the one in the hospital bed. All of my visits to the hospital since I met my husband have always been about me needing care. Ironically He took me to the hospital on the day we met! And it's continued for the last 11 years - in and out of the hospitals with delivering live babies - which by the way, Westley was a live birth delivered with a healthy beating heart at 5 months gestation developing absolutely perfectly and normally, he was just too little to survive, to delivering a dead baby to hemorraging from post birth trauma to emergency surgical procedures to dealing with depression.
This time it was different. I was on the other side of the hospital bed and it was my husband being tended to. He has given me this selfless gift and I felt totally blessed that John who loves me so much, so much, was taking it on himself and sparing me.
What's the word for that again?
Oh yah, Grace. He didn't need to do this. Back in september he could have easily let me go through with getting my tubes tied. His grace has saved me.
I can often relate God's love to the way John loves me. His love is unconditional, it's abundant and it's full of grace.
Immediately after the procedure I felt a beautiful sense of freedom. Freedom from the heavy sadness of losing my ability to bear children and also some sort of feeling that I will be, we will be...ok... and be able to move on.
To my surprise, on day 3, John expressed to me, after a long day's work, something I could tell he was struggling with since the procedure. He said he felt overly confused.
"What have I done????? Where do we go from here?"
I replied, "I'm sorry. It's ok to feel like that it's perfectly normal. I'm here and I would be honored to listen if you would like to talk some more about it."
We are on day 5 today and I still miss my baby and feel occasional grief and want my baby back and just want to hold and snuggle him. But I'm choosing to focus my Heart mainly on what I DO have and that is my remmarkably gracious and loving husband, my 9 year old daughter who is full of joy and developing into a very interesting and talented young girl, my 5 year old daughter who is full of love and joy, and my God Jesus who is in divine control of my entire life.
This time it was different. I was on the other side of the hospital bed and it was my husband being tended to. He has given me this selfless gift and I felt totally blessed that John who loves me so much, so much, was taking it on himself and sparing me.
What's the word for that again?
Oh yah, Grace. He didn't need to do this. Back in september he could have easily let me go through with getting my tubes tied. His grace has saved me.
I can often relate God's love to the way John loves me. His love is unconditional, it's abundant and it's full of grace.
Immediately after the procedure I felt a beautiful sense of freedom. Freedom from the heavy sadness of losing my ability to bear children and also some sort of feeling that I will be, we will be...ok... and be able to move on.
To my surprise, on day 3, John expressed to me, after a long day's work, something I could tell he was struggling with since the procedure. He said he felt overly confused.
"What have I done????? Where do we go from here?"
I replied, "I'm sorry. It's ok to feel like that it's perfectly normal. I'm here and I would be honored to listen if you would like to talk some more about it."
We are on day 5 today and I still miss my baby and feel occasional grief and want my baby back and just want to hold and snuggle him. But I'm choosing to focus my Heart mainly on what I DO have and that is my remmarkably gracious and loving husband, my 9 year old daughter who is full of joy and developing into a very interesting and talented young girl, my 5 year old daughter who is full of love and joy, and my God Jesus who is in divine control of my entire life.
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