I held a baby on Saturday June 18th for a whole hour! I cooed with the baby, talked to the baby, bottle fed the baby, and the baby slept in my arms.
I haven't even been able to look at someone else's baby for over a year with the exception of a retreat I went to in November where there were 9 babies around me. Then I held one for a bit and haven't since.
It's been so painful to see babies, so angering that they have a healthy baby in thier hands and I don't.
But I read a sentence in a book I picked up at the Christian book store called "surviving the loss of a child" and in it the author said she was comforted by seeing her heaven gone daughter's friends as long as she didn't think about what her child would look like now, or how much fun it would be for her child to be there playing with them. Those thoughts meant psychological mayhem. Her husband on the other hand couldnt bear even looking at the friends of their daughter, which showed he was comforted in different ways.
So I tried it. I tried to think that these babies were unique individuals and weren't my westley and I held my neighbors 5 month old for 5 minutes and my other neighbor's 3 month old for an hour.
I still cried as I told them my story and my heart was feeling so contradicted. I Was totally in the moment of this beautiful baby in my hands and when I saw her little mouth and tongue and gums and the cuteness and innocence of her babyness I could't help but feel devastated that I was so close to this moment myself with Westley and now I'm so so far away from it unless i come up with thousands of dollars.
Truly, it's thousands of dollars away for me now. I need money in order to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It's incredibly unfair but totally worth the effort.
If you feel like it's a worthwhile cause to offer us some funds we are more than happy to accept them.
I know that without a financial miracle there's no way for us to see the face and feel the cuddle and warmth of our own baby whom we can coo with and love ever again.
...
Ok, I'm going to be bold here and just ask. I mean the worst thing you could say is no and the best thing you could say is yes. Ask and ye shall receive.
Will you give us a financial gift to help us see a baby in our arms again?
If you say yes then you could send an email money transfer to my inbox
preciousdiamonds9@gmail.com
or you can give us a visa or MasterCard number and we can transact it through our store and mail you a receipt or, a cheque to our home address which I will give you if you email me or cash or...anything else. I wish I knew how to add paypal to this site. If you know how and could tell me please do.
I know this is forward but I'm done with being shy and am ready to be bold. Prayerfully consider this and thank you in advance. Blessings to you.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Compassionate friends retreat
This weekend I'm going to "the compassionate friends" retreat.
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
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