One year and I love you SO MUCH.

Here's a video I made to remember my baby on his first heaven birthday April 22, 2011.  The grief experts say it's important do something like this to express my love to him and bring healing.  If you're sensitive to picts of a preemie then skip the video, otherwise enjoy, he's beautiful.

One year ago today I was about 6 months pregnant. I was staying at a relatives house for the week and it was time to head home. Moments before going to my car I fell to the floor in extreme abdominal pain. I was rushed to surrey memorial hospital. The baby's heartbeat was fine and strong. "No this can't be related to her pregnancy." declared the doctor.

Hours passed, the pain did not subside, but I was NOT in labour. Surgery began to identify the problem and later because the doctor found a serious complication that wouldn't allow his continued normal growth, my baby had to be removed, alive.

But...
he was too small to survive.

I got to hold him but was totally out of sorts because of the drugs they put me on.
What little I remember was that he was a boy, he was beautiful, he was a perfect baby, and he was just a bit bigger than my hand. I could see the shading of his organs through his thin skin. His eyes were closed, which indicated that he was well on in his development just a week or two away from being big enough to survive.

We named him Westley and gave him his father's name for his middle name John. Westley John, our son, brother to his three siblings.

I want to hold and snuggle you close my son. I miss all you were going to be. In heaven it must be so wonderful to know and meet Adam, your brother. I never got to hold him. I miss him too. I Love you so much, so much, SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUCH, SO MUCH it hurts :'(

I finally had the strength, besides all my fears of what 'people would think' or 'what insulting things they may say to me' because there's been more than a few insulting and hurtful comments through my journey of grief and loss, to publish a well deserved memoriam to honor my son's life because he lived from the moment of his conception to the moment he entered heaven. Who does that to a person who's experienced such deep and searing loss?  This is my grief!  Mine! Not yours! I will do what I need to do heal, don't put more on me that I don't need.  My tears of grief are so precious, I need them to heal.  I don't need your judgement of me to add tears of condemnation from you!  Maybe you don't understand what it's like to lose something so dear, someone whom you carried with you 24/7 for half a year and dreamed of having for so many years.  Maybe you did lose something and don't know how to process your pain.  If so, cry, get counselling, and do something significant like a private memorial, so that you can find peace within your own heart and not look for it from others.

My son, is a loss like any other human being.  He lived, he's loved, he died, he's remembered and deeply, indescribably missed.  And he continues to live -  forever in heaven.  You'll meet him one day, he'll be a handsome fellow and he'll greet you with a warm smile.  Be sure to give me a long hug, you who are reading this, the next time you see me or my hubby.  The more hugs the better the healing.


 The newspaper "The Coast Reporter" on the Sunshine Coast of BC has the memoriam published for this April 22, 2011. Exactly one year from the date he met Jesus.