Post vasectomy thoughts

With such a dramatic and incredibly important step behind us now with his vasectomy done I'm feeling many mixed emotions. During the surgery i found it odd that i was not the one in the hospital bed. All of my visits to the hospital since I met my husband have always been about me needing care. Ironically He took me to the hospital on the day we met! And it's continued for the last 11 years - in and out of the hospitals with delivering live babies - which by the way, Westley was a live birth delivered with a healthy beating heart at 5 months gestation developing absolutely perfectly and normally, he was just too little to survive, to delivering a dead baby to hemorraging from post birth trauma to emergency surgical procedures to dealing with depression.

This time it was different. I was on the other side of the hospital bed and it was my husband being tended to. He has given me this selfless gift and I felt totally blessed that John who loves me so much, so much, was taking it on himself and sparing me.

What's the word for that again?
Oh yah, Grace. He didn't need to do this. Back in september he could have easily let me go through with getting my tubes tied. His grace has saved me.

I can often relate God's love to the way John loves me. His love is unconditional, it's abundant and it's full of grace.

Immediately after the procedure I felt a beautiful sense of freedom. Freedom from the heavy sadness of losing my ability to bear children and also some sort of feeling that I will be, we will be...ok... and be able to move on.

To my surprise, on day 3, John expressed to me, after a long day's work, something I could tell he was struggling with since the procedure. He said he felt overly confused.
"What have I done????? Where do we go from here?"
I replied, "I'm sorry. It's ok to feel like that it's perfectly normal. I'm here and I would be honored to listen if you would like to talk some more about it."

We are on day 5 today and I still miss my baby and feel occasional grief and want my baby back and just want to hold and snuggle him. But I'm choosing to focus my Heart mainly on what I DO have and that is my remmarkably gracious and loving husband, my 9 year old daughter who is full of joy and developing into a very interesting and talented young girl, my 5 year old daughter who is full of love and joy, and my God Jesus who is in divine control of my entire life.

Coming to terms with our infertility.

This morning John said tenderly while we were still laying in bed "I'm sorry this is hard for you."  Referring to tomorrow's vasectomy procedure.

"Thank you, thank you for understanding"

That did it, I'm able to move on now and accept tomorrow's reality.  His genuine compassion was all I needed.