This week is especially harder than most for me simply because of the finality of what is about to occur on wed march 2nd. In my heart, I cannot accept what is happening.
It can't be happening. It can't be real. I don't want to accept these circumstances. This is just not the way my life was supposed turn out. I want another baby. I'm not done with growing a family yet. I'm just not done.
Lord, would You heal my body so that I can carry just one more please. Somehow work a miracle with me. You healed a blind man a paralazied man a woman who was hemorrhaging, so many. Surely You can heal me. I believe wholeheartedly in Your divine healing.
You gave me this heart to love children, and I've had the vision of having a very large family for decades now. How can it all just be over? How could it all just be taken away? It's just not right. John's vasectomy is booked for Wednesday and in my heart even though I know it's going to happen I just don't want my childbearing journey to be over. ITS NOT RIGHT! ITS JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!! I am sad and disturbed that it's taking place. This iz against both our wills but yet we are going through with it out of necessity, definetly not because we want to, neither of us want this. It's so confusing. Having our ability to bear children taken away is a great injustice. I wanted to have six kids and now it's all taken away... Well not all. I do have Your blessing of my two great girls with me. Thank you Lord for them, they are lovely and sweet. My heart just has lots of room for so many more, I simply CAN NOT accept this reality. I know that if I were to have another one that it would jeopardize my life and the reality for my husband and girls, I know that. I definitely don't need to be reminded of THAT.
I can't seem to veer my mind away from the thoughts of how there are women who don't want to get pregnant or have more kids and then, surprise, they get another one and another one. They didnt even want these kids and they GET them. I WANT them and I DON'T get them. It's incredibly unfair. Yah, yah I know, life's not fair, but that doesn't stop me from feeling jealousy and injustice.
Lord, I dont understand all of Your ways but somehow I know you're looking after me. When I saw the beautiful night sky full of stars I felt Your presence and although this time is difficult and I feel bitter and angry and jealous and upset I know somehow that You love me and are carrying me through this difficult time in my life. I know Lord that You are collectng my many tears in a bottle. There's got to be more for me Lord. Unless Your coming back to us tomorrow, there's just got to be more.
I am choosing to wait patiently but I am distraught about what is planned for this week.
