After cancelling my TL surgery last week I finally felt something in my heart and mind that I hadn't felt in a very long time....so long that it was a foreign feeling for a while. It was a confusing place to be because my mourning had ceased for a day or two and I finally felt...happy! Am I allowed to feel this way? Does it mean I've forgotten my baby Westley? No.
Maybe it just means that someone thinks I'm important. Enough that he decided to take my place in an extremely undesirable situation and I'm feeling incredibly blessed, relieved from the stress of thinking about it and starting to heal.
Would you believe that once the decision was made and the call to the hospital was made I felt like I was going to be judged by others? Would they think I'm a nut to back out of it? Would they think I'm foolish? Would my reasons be reasonable? Would they think that I'm putting myself in danger by NOT doing it? These questions circled in my mind for days...still are. Even though I got glimpses of happiness I am riddled with these worries and they've been robbing my finally found joy. Some conversations have confirmed that I've been blessed by my husband's decision; some conversations confirmed that it's our choice, doesn't matter what other people think, my husband and I must do what is right for us; and yet some conversations have confirmed that there is some judgement.
I know its crazy to even worry about it, especially since I decided to start this blog to let others into my life and not worry about what they thought of me. My goal was to be authentic and transparent about what's happening in my life. To confirm to myself that I'm normal, and not such an outcast as I thought and felt I was. But letting go of worrying about what other people think, a worry that's riddled me most of my life, is a VERY hard thing to actually do. Easy to say, hard to do. I'm challenging myself everyday though with positive affirmations of who I am, who I want to believe in my heart I am, and who Christ says I am. The surgery cancellation has been the most wonderful thing that's happened to me all year, I'm SO GLAD I don't have to go through with it. I'm happy, but still sad. Like today, I was crying again because I know that there's another baby about to be born, next month in fact, that could be mine, but I just don't know if it will be. Please pray for this baby to go where God knows he belongs.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tubal Ligation Cancelled!
If you didn't read the last entry "I'm Choosing Life with Tubal Ligation" then click onto it on the right and read it first, for this post to make sense. (I've included the meaningful videos here too.)
Well, the day has come and gone. But....... my husband made a very honorable gesture and gave me a very VERY special gift. He's getting a vasectomy instead of me having to have a tubal ligation. He feels I have gone through enough physical trauma for one year (major abdominal surgery, and a knee injury), and now it's his turn. I have been very blessed by his decision and I'm choosing to follow his lead...what a relief. I don't have to go to the hospital, yet again.
The night before the TL surgery John was reading the last blog entry I posted. As he watched the videos and even though I had already cried several times that day and was in the middle of cleaning the last few things I wanted to tackle in the house before the surgery, I heard my little one Sasha beginning to sob. Then I stopped what i was doing and the tears came over me again, then John, who was watching the video held both of us and tears began rolling down his cheek. Kaneeka who was washing the dishes and peering over her shoulder watching everything transpire stopped the water, took off her gloves and stood silently in the midst of the sadness. I released John and Sasha and held Kaneeka, holding her and rocking her. Through my sobs came "I'm sorry I can't give you a brother or sister anymore, I'm so sorry" "It's okay mommy, you already gave me a sister and two brothers, it's okay, I understand."
I held her close and soon we melted together onto the floor and held each other tight while I sobbed. "Mommy can we cuddle in my bedroom?" So I released her and went back to embracing John and Sasha.
"I mmmmiiiissss Weeeesssstttlllyyyy" Sasha sweetly cried out through her soft sobs. Gripping the little blue puppy stuffie that represents our little Westley, that's only the size of my hand, the same size he was when we held him in the hospital, she layed her head in my bosom and released many many more of her tears. Together, me and Sasha sat in the strong arms of John's embrace.
"I don't know if it's a good idea Sital, for you to get your tubes tied." John said.
"What? The night before the surgery you're changing your mind? We've been leading up to this for months!" I replied
The girls and I got ready to lay down to bed as I had a headache from all the crying that day. John came and cuddled for a while and we prayed about what was the right thing to do. The Lord spoke clearly to John and Kaneeka and said to them that I shouldn't do it. John stayed up until the wee hours of the night researching which is the better choice. He contemplated, and prayed some more.
In the morning, I sat at the kitchen table while he presented me with a load of info he printed from his research and said...."Sital, I really feel like I should do it instead of you. I know we were planning this but God gave us a brain to use our knowledge and make an educated decision." So we called the hospital and told them we weren't coming, and the surgery was cancelled. We spent the day at the beach counselling with each other about our decision and praying about many aspects while the girls played in the sand and water. So here we are, John's going to bank sperm in case we want to have a surrogate in the future and then will book his vasectomy. When I told my dad, the surgery was cancelled, he was so relieved...I guess he didn't want to see me go through another surgery either. Thank you dad for your support.
There's a lot more to this story...leave a comment to let me know if you want to hear about it, or I'll just leave it at that. Thanks. Remember to light a candle on Friday Oct 15th, to remember our babies.
Well, the day has come and gone. But....... my husband made a very honorable gesture and gave me a very VERY special gift. He's getting a vasectomy instead of me having to have a tubal ligation. He feels I have gone through enough physical trauma for one year (major abdominal surgery, and a knee injury), and now it's his turn. I have been very blessed by his decision and I'm choosing to follow his lead...what a relief. I don't have to go to the hospital, yet again.
The night before the TL surgery John was reading the last blog entry I posted. As he watched the videos and even though I had already cried several times that day and was in the middle of cleaning the last few things I wanted to tackle in the house before the surgery, I heard my little one Sasha beginning to sob. Then I stopped what i was doing and the tears came over me again, then John, who was watching the video held both of us and tears began rolling down his cheek. Kaneeka who was washing the dishes and peering over her shoulder watching everything transpire stopped the water, took off her gloves and stood silently in the midst of the sadness. I released John and Sasha and held Kaneeka, holding her and rocking her. Through my sobs came "I'm sorry I can't give you a brother or sister anymore, I'm so sorry" "It's okay mommy, you already gave me a sister and two brothers, it's okay, I understand."
I held her close and soon we melted together onto the floor and held each other tight while I sobbed. "Mommy can we cuddle in my bedroom?" So I released her and went back to embracing John and Sasha.
"I mmmmiiiissss Weeeesssstttlllyyyy" Sasha sweetly cried out through her soft sobs. Gripping the little blue puppy stuffie that represents our little Westley, that's only the size of my hand, the same size he was when we held him in the hospital, she layed her head in my bosom and released many many more of her tears. Together, me and Sasha sat in the strong arms of John's embrace.
"I don't know if it's a good idea Sital, for you to get your tubes tied." John said.
"What? The night before the surgery you're changing your mind? We've been leading up to this for months!" I replied
The girls and I got ready to lay down to bed as I had a headache from all the crying that day. John came and cuddled for a while and we prayed about what was the right thing to do. The Lord spoke clearly to John and Kaneeka and said to them that I shouldn't do it. John stayed up until the wee hours of the night researching which is the better choice. He contemplated, and prayed some more.
In the morning, I sat at the kitchen table while he presented me with a load of info he printed from his research and said...."Sital, I really feel like I should do it instead of you. I know we were planning this but God gave us a brain to use our knowledge and make an educated decision." So we called the hospital and told them we weren't coming, and the surgery was cancelled. We spent the day at the beach counselling with each other about our decision and praying about many aspects while the girls played in the sand and water. So here we are, John's going to bank sperm in case we want to have a surrogate in the future and then will book his vasectomy. When I told my dad, the surgery was cancelled, he was so relieved...I guess he didn't want to see me go through another surgery either. Thank you dad for your support.
There's a lot more to this story...leave a comment to let me know if you want to hear about it, or I'll just leave it at that. Thanks. Remember to light a candle on Friday Oct 15th, to remember our babies.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I'm choosing life with a tubal ligation
Today is a very confusing day for me as a woman, because tomorrow I get my tubes tied.
This is something i don't want to do because i desperately want to have more children. I always wanted to have 4 children. Oh my goodness, I'm full of so many emotions today...but in the end of them all I'm doing it because I'm choosing life. I'm choosing not to get pregnant, and risk another rupture and essentially death. I'm choosing to give my little girls a mom for the rest of their lives, even though I can't give them a brother or sister anymore. I'm choosing to give my husband a wife for the rest of his life, even though i can't give him a son or daughter anymore.
It's a very mixed place to be as a woman
Do you know any other woman who has had their tubes tied because they wanted more children, not because they didn't want more children? (there's no typo here, you read it right)
Do you see how contradictory it is for me as a woman, a female, a human given the title female in order to represent the ability to have a spirit and body formed and created inside of me. To have my body altered so I can never conceive again :( but then to do it so that i don't risk another uterine rupture from conceiving again.
AAAHHHH, it's a very strange place for me to be emotionally, I've been kinda solemn today and for the past week, but one thing I know is that I'm choosing life....life for my family.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and October 15th is the national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Join me on Friday October 15th by lighting a candle to remember Westley (Dec 2009-April 22, 2010), Adam (2004), and any babies of yours in heaven. I'll be lighting a blue candle given to me today by a dear new friend who very thoughtfully expressed her understanding of my life's circumstances with this very special gift.
www.october15th.com
This video says what it's like for a woman to lose a baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
This is how it feels:
http://www.pakistan.tv/videos-this-is-how-it-feels-%5BE1c0q_Q-CWE%5D.cfm
This is something i don't want to do because i desperately want to have more children. I always wanted to have 4 children. Oh my goodness, I'm full of so many emotions today...but in the end of them all I'm doing it because I'm choosing life. I'm choosing not to get pregnant, and risk another rupture and essentially death. I'm choosing to give my little girls a mom for the rest of their lives, even though I can't give them a brother or sister anymore. I'm choosing to give my husband a wife for the rest of his life, even though i can't give him a son or daughter anymore.
It's a very mixed place to be as a woman
Do you know any other woman who has had their tubes tied because they wanted more children, not because they didn't want more children? (there's no typo here, you read it right)
Do you see how contradictory it is for me as a woman, a female, a human given the title female in order to represent the ability to have a spirit and body formed and created inside of me. To have my body altered so I can never conceive again :( but then to do it so that i don't risk another uterine rupture from conceiving again.
AAAHHHH, it's a very strange place for me to be emotionally, I've been kinda solemn today and for the past week, but one thing I know is that I'm choosing life....life for my family.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and October 15th is the national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Join me on Friday October 15th by lighting a candle to remember Westley (Dec 2009-April 22, 2010), Adam (2004), and any babies of yours in heaven. I'll be lighting a blue candle given to me today by a dear new friend who very thoughtfully expressed her understanding of my life's circumstances with this very special gift.
www.october15th.com
This video says what it's like for a woman to lose a baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
This is how it feels:
http://www.pakistan.tv/videos-this-is-how-it-feels-%5BE1c0q_Q-CWE%5D.cfm
Monday, October 4, 2010
Surgery Again!
How many surgeries can one person endure in one year? Obviously if it's not your choice, more than one.
As is the case with me.
I was rushed into emergency surgery earlier this year to find out that they almost lost me on the operating table as i lost 2/3 of my blood volume to internal bleeding from a sudden uterine rupture when I was 5 months pregnant.
Not only did i lose the beautiful baby boy we had been waiting 4 years for, we had to creamate and have a funeral for him.To make matters worse, I also lost my fertility. I'll never, NEVER be able to have children again. This is not what I wanted to hear when I had waited for 4 years for my son, nor did i want to hear this when our life plans as a couple and family were to have 4 children.
I couldn't believe it...I still don't believe it. From pregnant and feeling the joy of my baby boy with me to having to have involuntary tubal ligation now only months later.
As is the case with me.
I was rushed into emergency surgery earlier this year to find out that they almost lost me on the operating table as i lost 2/3 of my blood volume to internal bleeding from a sudden uterine rupture when I was 5 months pregnant.
Not only did i lose the beautiful baby boy we had been waiting 4 years for, we had to creamate and have a funeral for him.To make matters worse, I also lost my fertility. I'll never, NEVER be able to have children again. This is not what I wanted to hear when I had waited for 4 years for my son, nor did i want to hear this when our life plans as a couple and family were to have 4 children.
I couldn't believe it...I still don't believe it. From pregnant and feeling the joy of my baby boy with me to having to have involuntary tubal ligation now only months later.
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