in memory of baby westley

My desires have changed, year 5

It's year 5.  My son Westley's birthday.  It feels so totally different this year again.  I looked on the calendar and of course have had the thoughts to commemerate the day and light a candle and look through his momentos but, I don't have the desire to.  I've asked my friends and family to light a candle today too.

I will light a candle, that feels significant but looking at his pictures and baby things isn't on my heart at all today.  Perhaps its because John, Westley's dad isn't a part of my life in the significant way he was in years past, and I would like to remember Westley together with him because he's a part of Westley, or perhaps I've healed and am completly at peace at having lost him, or perhaps I'm at peace at the two girls I have as my family and no longer desire to have more children of my own.

It's all of it.

My focus doesn't involve Westley anymore.  My focus is on creating a joy filled life with the gifts I've got.

It is nice to remember though, that I have two sons, and that I am a mother of 4; to remember that I was given the gift of being a woman and bring forth life to our earth; to remember that my instinct as a nurturer continues to be fulfilled, and now more so since I've begun a daycare and can nurture other children along with my own; and to continue to build my nest, which feels so good.

This last year of being on my own as a single mother has been one of trial and inner strength building.  I've had to truly believe that I can provide for my kids and myself in more ways that I didn't know I was able to.  And now with some hard work, it's coming true and my belief in my abilities are getting stronger and stronger.

I have to admit that wanting to have a warm, happy partner to share in my joys and discoveries is a deep desire of mine.  May the adventures, and personal development continue as my life unfolds it's daily gifts.

Happy Birthday Westley my son, and I remember you Adam my son also.  One day I'll get to play with you as I dreamed to in years past.