It's my birthday and I'll cry if i want to.

It's my birthday today, and i sure feel like crying.

Someone posted on Facebook that my baby Westley is with Jesus, where else would i rather have him be?

When i thought about it i guess it's true.  No better place than his home in heaven.  Some days i just think I'm so grateful for what i have.  Some days I just think I wish i could have my life the way I pictured it....4 little ones running around with a family of harmony.  It's a sad reality to know that will never happen.

I wonder what heaven is like, because grief certainly sucks, it hurts, it's painful.  It's like a knife in your heart. I opened my bible this morning at 4am cause i couldn't sleep and it said for me to be grateful.

I am grateful, but it doesn't erase the pain, because the pain is much too deep. Deep enough that I'm crying on my birthday.

Are you reading this?

if you're reading this blog i would love to know...i mean it...really...tell me you came here and read it.  Please click "comment" below and write a comment, even if it's just 1 word, at least then i know there's somebody reading and who you are...thanks a million.

falling further

I didn't ever think that i could get to a place of feeling depressed yet AGAIN!  Teens, adulthood, every other year!!!!!AHHH WHEN DOES IT STOP!

My cousin just had her baby, my other cousin is having a baby, and i am babyless!
Can life be more unfair?  When you plan you life for the last 4 years around having a baby, then you get pregnant and then lose it all....baby and ability to have a any more babies all at once...and your family members are having babies left right and centre it's a sure formula to get depressed...and that's exactly how i feel!

If I planned my child and the others didnt, and I lost my child and the others get to keep theirs...how fair is that!  ITS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It will be only two weeks until my baby was due to be born...Sept 20th..and oh what a beautiful baby he would have been.  I got to hold him for a short time...the little preemie that he was.  He would have been such a cute little guy, so sweet so full of life...as he was.  No wonder i'm crying everyday.  He's not with me, and he should be. :(

Falling

Did you ever think your hair could come out in clumps when it wasn't even pulled on?  Well...it can.

Mine's been falling out more than I've ever seen it in my whole life.  I guess if you're fighting to survive, that's what can happen.

I feel like i'm fighting to survive.  Survive the sinking hole of emotions that are never steady, desires that are never fulfilled, and a heart that longs for peace that seems never attainable.

I've got two healthy children, a loving husband, my own home, my own business...some could look at me a think..."she's got it all."  But the reality is...I'm tired, can't sleep, stressed, crying all the time, dehydrated, confused, and an emotional wreck.  I've been putting on a face in front of people who come to my newly designed festival booth where i sell popcorn, ice cream, and lattes.  When the 15 hour day of selling comes to an end I'm totally beat and have to still  sweep the house, cook dinner, wash the dishes, read stories, brush my kids teeth, pick up the toys, have a shower (maybe), talk a few minutes with my hubby, and then try and lay down....to.....a night of..............SLEEPLESSNESS!  AAHAHHHAAHHH! 

I lay awake thinking and thinking and thinking and my brain doesn't shut off!  When does it end?  When do i get my own rest?

Man i'm tired...does anyone else feel like this?