The Christmas season has come and gone. I am daily fighting with myself about where I am at. Grief is taking a hold of me again. I feel down, I feel so so soooooooo confused. I also feel pretty alone. I know that God is with me, and last night I cried on Jesus' lap. It was such a relief to cry. I feel like the whole world has moved on and then there's me. I'm still here with a hole in my heart, and no baby in my arms. It's becoming more and more evident to me everyday that I can not have any more children. It's a very sad sad thought.
I was cuddling Sasha last night and felt so close to her and immediately the thought entered in my mind...."I can't wait to have another baby!"
....oh.
wait a minute.
I can't :(
I actually forgot for those moments as I cuddled with her.....I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. It can't be real. And now I feel down again. Everything in my being tells me a baby is to be here. Here, in my arms laying close to me next to Sasha and Kaneeka.
I thought about how Westley has already won the prize though. He's in the best place he could be....with His Maker
2 comments:
Julie, thanks for the reminder that the pain does not go away instantly and that it is still real. It's hard for me to understand exactly what you are feeling. Because for me I have the opposite feeling. I am so happy that I am not pregnant and don't have a baby. Being pregnant the last time was so painful I would never want to do it again. I find it so hard to be happy for anyone expecting a child because I have a great fear that something will go wrong or their child might be sick. Don't know what I'll do when I become a grandmother. I'll be scared to death until the baby is born and safe in his/her mother's arms. Crazy what life can do to your head and your heart even if logically you know you should be able to "move on." Hang in there and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Your feelings are valid and you aren't crazy. I pray you are able to see the blessings you are surrounded by, despite your longing. "May the Lord Bless you and Keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and give you peace."
Celia
thank you Celia, your love and understanding and compassion are what gives a grieving person hope to move through. Also, your opposite perpective of pregnancy gives me a new thought in my mind on how I could allow myself to think.....maybe not being pregnant could be a good thing. Never thought of it that way.
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