My baby is in GOD's arms.

Should I have a surrogate or not???? God, what is Your will for me?  You know how badly I want a big family.  You know how much i miss my sweet Westley baby.  Will you send me a baby again?  The little girls in my family are waiting so patiently for the baby to arrive.


You've opened the doors with a person of a huge heart to come into our lives.  She is willing and waiting for us to have her as our surrogate!  Yeah!

But wait.... what's that You're saying to me God?

What?....

No????????????????????

I don't understand.  A woman said she would carry a baby for us.  Our baby, it would be our genetic baby, she would be our surro.  But You're saying NO????

I don't understand God, why would you open the doors, develop a deep and beautiful relationship between us and our potential surrogate.  We've gotten to know each other so well over the last 3 months, and have discussed EVERYTHING!  She wants to have a baby for us.  You know..a baby..like the one who went to heaven?  Yeah, a baby!  But You're saying NO?

WHY!@!@$#!@$@!?????????????

Him talking:

"Because my child, I will make your joy complete.  I will fill you with My peace.  Come to me and drink from the water of Life, I have given you the breath of life, I have given the breath of life to your children.  I will give  you your family.  I will determine the size of your family.  I have given you four children.  I have given you two children for now to care for on earth.  You are My child.  I will care for you.  I have given you a home.  I have given you a partner."

Me talking:

I don't understand God, it's something I've always wanted....it's hard for me to let go...I don't want to obey...I don't want to listen to You...I want a baby!  My arms are empty, my heart has a hole, my family isn't complete!

But......'sigh'

I choose to obey, I choose to submit.  I know You have good plans.  As painful as it is I will obey.  I will give my whole heart to You, and to John, Kaneeka and Sasha, these very important people in my life.  I will give You my heart.  I choose to believe that You will heal it and You will heal my body.

I know that one day, something else will come along...maybe another surrogate, maybe a baby to adopt, maybe a child to adopt, maybe nothing.  Whatever Your plans are for us I will obey.  It sure is hard, but I'm broken inside as it is, my only hope is in what You have for me.  Here I am God.  I'm all Yours.

Oh Where Oh Where Could my BABY be?

I'm stuck in the middle of a dilemna.  After having lost my baby to tragic circumstances and not being able to carry anymore unless I put my own life and the baby's at risk, I'm left to make a quick decision about surrogacy.

My hubby and I have been learning about surrogacy for the last 2 1/2 months and have found that there are no surrogates interested in carrying a baby for someone who already has two healthy children, no matter what their circumstances are.  We've also learned that it's VERY expensive.  About 50K or so.


So after signing up with a few surrogacy related sites and posting some ads, we've talked with MANY people and have found the women out there who want to be surrogates all have such incredibly open hearts.  We have also found a very special person who IS willing to carry a baby for  US!!

Here's the catch, she's on the other side of the country.  This would be no problem for us if we had the money sitting in the bank saying to us: SPEND ME.  But we don't.  We've got some, enough to get the process started, but not enough with out having to use credit.  Yep you read it right!  Credit.  that big bad ugly word, we all hate.

You know, credit isn't all that bad, it's helped us start our business and it's helped us pay for our groceries when there weren't any, it's helped us get the kids to school and it's helped us put gas in our vehicles.  I'm just tired of having to use it.  I guess I'm still young and by the time I'm a little more grey, it won't matter anymore how much credit I've used, especially if was for having the opportunity to have a child of our own.

So what do we do now?  Do we say to ourselves, "be happy with what God has already given you, and move on pouring out love to the two little girls that you have in your arms."  OR "Ready, set, go!  Let's go for it with a surrogate and try to have another baby and fill the empty place that's in our hearts and arms.  Let's use what ever credit we must and pay for it for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes to have another baby to love."

I know that some people would say "You're lucky to have the two you do have, some people don't even have one kid!"  But my rebuttle is "That doesn't minimize the fact that our hearts have always desired to have 4 children, and my heart and arms have been waiting for 4 years for the next little one to come along."

I just wish i had some more time.  I've just recently dove into a new business venture in hopes to make some money for a surrogate, but i didn't think it was going to take the investment that it has, so in reality, today i'm a little further behind than i want to be.

But here's my positive note:   I'm aiming to break even by the time the summer is over, God is good, He won't leave me high and dry.  And, where there's a will there's a way!  I know God will provide a way for us... a much less stressful way...and maybe a little more time.

Anyone want to donate?????  Can i put pay pal on this blog so that you can donate to the baby fund?
lmk
Peace
Julie

I Should write a book

It's 10pm and i'm sitting here in an office with my kids playing on the floor making a sign for my new popcorn business.  The little one grabs a pillow and lays her head down on the carpet, while the older one builds a castle out of blocks.  Have they eaten anything in the last 5 hours?  Oh yah, ironically they had popcorn.  Popcorn has become my life for the last month and i'm not sure where my head sits on my shoulders most days. I'm seeing spots, well popcorn kernals actually, blue, pink, purple...

Do I need to keep my head so jam packed with stuff or can I breathe at any point?  Signs, labels, ingredients, bags, twist ties, kernals, colors, flavors.... My kitchen looks like a science lab only instead of beakers and test tubes its popcorn buckets and measurements everywhere!

I hope to make a professional image with selling popcorn....well....it is just popcorn, how professional can it get?  I guess my goal right now is just to make some signs so i don't look like a fool out there, but man i'm cheap so i wont go to a sign maker, besides, I can do it.  Just like i've done everything else...be a mom, a wife, a business person, a sister, a daughter, a cleaner, a cook, oh and a popcorn maker!

My biggest worry is that i'm not going to have the right prices and that people will walk away from my booth. I don't want that!  I also dont want to undersell myself.  I have to remind myself again..it's just popcorn.
I've been stressing over prices so much though, that my hubby finally said that he would take care of pricing things and i wouldn't have to do any of it. Whew!

You know, i've taken classes on how to handle stress and this time around my skills seem to have left me.
Stress is a bad beast, it's taken over on me so much that my hair is falling out!  Yep, and i don't know how to get a handle of it, there's just so much for me to do! My list is way too long, i need a vacation from the business I just started.