Wednesday, April 22, 2015
My desires have changed, year 5
It's year 5. My son Westley's birthday. It feels so totally different this year again. I looked on the calendar and of course have had the thoughts to commemerate the day and light a candle and look through his momentos but, I don't have the desire to. I've asked my friends and family to light a candle today too.
I will light a candle, that feels significant but looking at his pictures and baby things isn't on my heart at all today. Perhaps its because John, Westley's dad isn't a part of my life in the significant way he was in years past, and I would like to remember Westley together with him because he's a part of Westley, or perhaps I've healed and am completly at peace at having lost him, or perhaps I'm at peace at the two girls I have as my family and no longer desire to have more children of my own.
It's all of it.
My focus doesn't involve Westley anymore. My focus is on creating a joy filled life with the gifts I've got.
It is nice to remember though, that I have two sons, and that I am a mother of 4; to remember that I was given the gift of being a woman and bring forth life to our earth; to remember that my instinct as a nurturer continues to be fulfilled, and now more so since I've begun a daycare and can nurture other children along with my own; and to continue to build my nest, which feels so good.
This last year of being on my own as a single mother has been one of trial and inner strength building. I've had to truly believe that I can provide for my kids and myself in more ways that I didn't know I was able to. And now with some hard work, it's coming true and my belief in my abilities are getting stronger and stronger.
I have to admit that wanting to have a warm, happy partner to share in my joys and discoveries is a deep desire of mine. May the adventures, and personal development continue as my life unfolds it's daily gifts.
Happy Birthday Westley my son, and I remember you Adam my son also. One day I'll get to play with you as I dreamed to in years past.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Time Heals as this is the 4th anniversary.
Time heals, it really does heal. This is Westley's 4th anniversary of his life and passing, and I feel different than past years. I didn't cry and I didn't feel the same ache. We lit candles in his memorial garden and had a moment of silence along with saying a few words together with the family. We went through his memory box and I held the tiny crocheted blanket and looked at the ultrasound photos. We opened the box to his ashes and remembered him.
Time has been healing. Other bereaved people told me it would take a minimum of 2-3 years for the pain to start fading, and they were absolutely right. The emotional charge leading up to this day was still there, but there were a multitude of other reasons for it too. But, the pain is fading. Life is continuing on with memories of what it would have been like to have him here such as what it would have been like to push him on the swings as a little 4 year old boy. But life is continuing on. There's two other beautiful little people, well not so little anymore, in my life that I adore and put my attention on. There's a lot of changing circumstances in my life as my husband and I choose to walk a deeper path of healing as we separate. There's new school circumstances in my little one's life that is so exciting to see. There's new career paths in the making to explore. There's new church connections happening and a deeper level of trust and love from God. Life is continuing on.
And I look forward to new adventures.
Time has been healing. Other bereaved people told me it would take a minimum of 2-3 years for the pain to start fading, and they were absolutely right. The emotional charge leading up to this day was still there, but there were a multitude of other reasons for it too. But, the pain is fading. Life is continuing on with memories of what it would have been like to have him here such as what it would have been like to push him on the swings as a little 4 year old boy. But life is continuing on. There's two other beautiful little people, well not so little anymore, in my life that I adore and put my attention on. There's a lot of changing circumstances in my life as my husband and I choose to walk a deeper path of healing as we separate. There's new school circumstances in my little one's life that is so exciting to see. There's new career paths in the making to explore. There's new church connections happening and a deeper level of trust and love from God. Life is continuing on.
And I look forward to new adventures.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
3 Years and Westley's passing brought me protection.
Even though I don't understand why God allows certain things into my life, and I don't always like it, the biggest lesson I've learned is to trust Him. He's in control. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 weeks. Perhaps my subconscious knew Westley's birthday was coming, perhaps it's just the decisions I made. Regardless, He's in control.
It's been three years since Westley left us and my arms still ache to hold him and tickle him and cuddle him. My chest actually aches at times when I want to feel his closeness. I mean this literally, my muscles and bones hurt in my chest, my arms get so sore, and my head throbs. Emotional pain isn't just emotional, it's real and physical. It hurts.
After so many years of trial, since our move to the Coast, I soothe myself with the same thought. He's in control. I thought I could plan things out, be in control of how things would go, how my schedule would be, how people would respond, what would happen in my life by my goals etc.. Boy was I wrong. I'm not in control at all. He is. I have the option to make decisions I think are the best but the outcome is totally out of my hands. God has complete control.
I didn't think that his passing would bring any good, but I just experienced protection from God from a horrible crime, because of his passing. I was purchasing something on the web from Kijiji this week. I was negotiating a price with the seller and at the end of the back and forth, he wanted me to come to his price. He said his last price twice, only the second time he gave it some umph by saying for me to take his price "for his daughter's wedding" as to motivate my heart to give in. I responded with my price and said "for my son's death anniversary which was yesterday, he was a baby." I said this to do the same, motivate his heart to give in to my price. I couldn't believe what happened next. He asked me to prove that my story was true, and he would lower the price to below our starting point. So I gave him the address to my blog that you're reading. After 2 more responses the most shocking thing happened. He said "I can't sell you the item, because the item doesn't exist. Never send money over the internet. I hope God forgives me for my work."
Westley's passing protected me from making a HUGE financial mistake, thousands; and hopefully turned this man from his ways.
I forgave the person, and appealed to him to purchase the desired item FOR me with the money he's taken from others. I hope God moves his heart to do so, as a way for making an act of kindness to grow a seed of goodness in his heart and life. I pray this man turns to helping and giving to people rather than taking from people.
Thank you Lord for always being in control.
Monday, April 30, 2012
The babies arrived last night.
Although our home was not filled with the joyous sounds of a newborn baby when we were expecting Westley, and it's something we dearly miss, we decided that it was time to bring the joy of babies to our home some way.
Last night four babies arrived in our home.
Four beautiful little girls joined our family.
Our beloved Angel, whom is our family pet, a Maltese doggie had a gorgeous litter of four pups! We love them so much! Their little squeaks are the sweetest coos ever. We are all very happy!
Last night four babies arrived in our home.
Four beautiful little girls joined our family.
Our beloved Angel, whom is our family pet, a Maltese doggie had a gorgeous litter of four pups! We love them so much! Their little squeaks are the sweetest coos ever. We are all very happy!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
2 Years Today
Two years ago today I heard a healthy heartbeat. "The baby is fine" they told me.
Heavenward Westley went and there he stays, living with his brother Adam, Grandpa Don, Greatgrandpas, Greatgrandmas. and lots of others. He lives in a paradise, playing, laughing, singing, smiling, & happy everyday. He's always full of love and sharing lots of hugs. He gets to sit next to Jesus and talk to Him anytime.
Wow, what a life. It's perfect... it's paradise.
His soul is eternal, just like ours. He's not gonna die, he gets to LIVE forever.
Loving you always.
Love Mommy.
Heavenward Westley went and there he stays, living with his brother Adam, Grandpa Don, Greatgrandpas, Greatgrandmas. and lots of others. He lives in a paradise, playing, laughing, singing, smiling, & happy everyday. He's always full of love and sharing lots of hugs. He gets to sit next to Jesus and talk to Him anytime.
Wow, what a life. It's perfect... it's paradise.
His soul is eternal, just like ours. He's not gonna die, he gets to LIVE forever.
Loving you always.
Love Mommy.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
It's Westley's due date today. We would have celebrated his 1st birthday today.
Today September 19, is the day Westley would have been born had he been given a longer chance to live.
He would be holding the furniture walking along it taking baby steps beaming with a baby tooth smile. He would be babbling his first sounds saying "da da da da." He would be using sign language to tell me he wants more cheerios. I would be tickling him all over on my bed rolling around and saying "I l-l-l-l-love you!". His sisters would be gently holding him by the hand,one on each side and swinging him up in the air on the front lawn saying "1-2-3-UP!" John would be kissing him all over his cheeks saying "You're my best bud little guy, I love you!" I would be putting him in his high chair with a cupcake on the tray and his grandmas, grandpa, cousins, aunts, uncles and all the neighbor kids would be over singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Westley, happy birthday to you!" we would all cheer and be so happy and having so much fun.
But nope.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not ever.
Because Westley died.
He was born on April 22 not September 19 like he should have. He was born too soon and he died. He died. He died. My son died.
I don't get to hold him or talk to him or tickle him. And I want to.
He would be holding the furniture walking along it taking baby steps beaming with a baby tooth smile. He would be babbling his first sounds saying "da da da da." He would be using sign language to tell me he wants more cheerios. I would be tickling him all over on my bed rolling around and saying "I l-l-l-l-love you!". His sisters would be gently holding him by the hand,one on each side and swinging him up in the air on the front lawn saying "1-2-3-UP!" John would be kissing him all over his cheeks saying "You're my best bud little guy, I love you!" I would be putting him in his high chair with a cupcake on the tray and his grandmas, grandpa, cousins, aunts, uncles and all the neighbor kids would be over singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Westley, happy birthday to you!" we would all cheer and be so happy and having so much fun.
But nope.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not ever.
Because Westley died.
He was born on April 22 not September 19 like he should have. He was born too soon and he died. He died. He died. My son died.
I don't get to hold him or talk to him or tickle him. And I want to.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Missing You
I'm missing you Westley, and I'm missing all the siblings you would have had. There's sayings like "follow your dreams" and "believe in your dreams". I'm just discouraged because I pursued my dreams in a few different aspects of life and my dreams haven't come true. I've been left with disappointment. I want to believe again, i really do. Mourning such losses are hard to see through.
In regards to my last post and the comment about what donations would be used for. Look at this infertitliy help link I'd like to write more about it in another entry. When I feel strong enough. For now, I'm just getting a lot of grief from the people around me when I'm real about what's going on in my world and unfortunately I am prevented from letting out the feelings all bottled up inside of me. I've called the crisis line a few times now because i just need to talk, and let me tell you, they are the best listeners ever. Call them, it helps. When i told them what's going on in my life, they said...this is why we are here, to help people in your situation. What a relief.
In regards to my last post and the comment about what donations would be used for. Look at this infertitliy help link I'd like to write more about it in another entry. When I feel strong enough. For now, I'm just getting a lot of grief from the people around me when I'm real about what's going on in my world and unfortunately I am prevented from letting out the feelings all bottled up inside of me. I've called the crisis line a few times now because i just need to talk, and let me tell you, they are the best listeners ever. Call them, it helps. When i told them what's going on in my life, they said...this is why we are here, to help people in your situation. What a relief.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I held a baby
I held a baby on Saturday June 18th for a whole hour! I cooed with the baby, talked to the baby, bottle fed the baby, and the baby slept in my arms.
I haven't even been able to look at someone else's baby for over a year with the exception of a retreat I went to in November where there were 9 babies around me. Then I held one for a bit and haven't since.
It's been so painful to see babies, so angering that they have a healthy baby in thier hands and I don't.
But I read a sentence in a book I picked up at the Christian book store called "surviving the loss of a child" and in it the author said she was comforted by seeing her heaven gone daughter's friends as long as she didn't think about what her child would look like now, or how much fun it would be for her child to be there playing with them. Those thoughts meant psychological mayhem. Her husband on the other hand couldnt bear even looking at the friends of their daughter, which showed he was comforted in different ways.
So I tried it. I tried to think that these babies were unique individuals and weren't my westley and I held my neighbors 5 month old for 5 minutes and my other neighbor's 3 month old for an hour.
I still cried as I told them my story and my heart was feeling so contradicted. I Was totally in the moment of this beautiful baby in my hands and when I saw her little mouth and tongue and gums and the cuteness and innocence of her babyness I could't help but feel devastated that I was so close to this moment myself with Westley and now I'm so so far away from it unless i come up with thousands of dollars.
Truly, it's thousands of dollars away for me now. I need money in order to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It's incredibly unfair but totally worth the effort.
If you feel like it's a worthwhile cause to offer us some funds we are more than happy to accept them.
I know that without a financial miracle there's no way for us to see the face and feel the cuddle and warmth of our own baby whom we can coo with and love ever again.
...
Ok, I'm going to be bold here and just ask. I mean the worst thing you could say is no and the best thing you could say is yes. Ask and ye shall receive.
Will you give us a financial gift to help us see a baby in our arms again?
If you say yes then you could send an email money transfer to my inbox
preciousdiamonds9@gmail.com
or you can give us a visa or MasterCard number and we can transact it through our store and mail you a receipt or, a cheque to our home address which I will give you if you email me or cash or...anything else. I wish I knew how to add paypal to this site. If you know how and could tell me please do.
I know this is forward but I'm done with being shy and am ready to be bold. Prayerfully consider this and thank you in advance. Blessings to you.
I haven't even been able to look at someone else's baby for over a year with the exception of a retreat I went to in November where there were 9 babies around me. Then I held one for a bit and haven't since.
It's been so painful to see babies, so angering that they have a healthy baby in thier hands and I don't.
But I read a sentence in a book I picked up at the Christian book store called "surviving the loss of a child" and in it the author said she was comforted by seeing her heaven gone daughter's friends as long as she didn't think about what her child would look like now, or how much fun it would be for her child to be there playing with them. Those thoughts meant psychological mayhem. Her husband on the other hand couldnt bear even looking at the friends of their daughter, which showed he was comforted in different ways.
So I tried it. I tried to think that these babies were unique individuals and weren't my westley and I held my neighbors 5 month old for 5 minutes and my other neighbor's 3 month old for an hour.
I still cried as I told them my story and my heart was feeling so contradicted. I Was totally in the moment of this beautiful baby in my hands and when I saw her little mouth and tongue and gums and the cuteness and innocence of her babyness I could't help but feel devastated that I was so close to this moment myself with Westley and now I'm so so far away from it unless i come up with thousands of dollars.
Truly, it's thousands of dollars away for me now. I need money in order to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It's incredibly unfair but totally worth the effort.
If you feel like it's a worthwhile cause to offer us some funds we are more than happy to accept them.
I know that without a financial miracle there's no way for us to see the face and feel the cuddle and warmth of our own baby whom we can coo with and love ever again.
...
Ok, I'm going to be bold here and just ask. I mean the worst thing you could say is no and the best thing you could say is yes. Ask and ye shall receive.
Will you give us a financial gift to help us see a baby in our arms again?
If you say yes then you could send an email money transfer to my inbox
preciousdiamonds9@gmail.com
or you can give us a visa or MasterCard number and we can transact it through our store and mail you a receipt or, a cheque to our home address which I will give you if you email me or cash or...anything else. I wish I knew how to add paypal to this site. If you know how and could tell me please do.
I know this is forward but I'm done with being shy and am ready to be bold. Prayerfully consider this and thank you in advance. Blessings to you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Compassionate friends retreat
This weekend I'm going to "the compassionate friends" retreat.
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
Compassionate friends www.tcfcanada.net is a support network for people who have lost a child of any age.
I've lost two children. I'm looking forward to it so much. There's nothing as wonderful as meeting others who can relate to your situation and grief. Actually at the 'hope and healing after baby loss' workshop I went to with my husband, mom, dad, and mother in law just 3 days ago, I realized how intensely similar the other bereaved parents feelings were to mine and John's.
Thay also feel jealous when they see others with a healthy baby, angry at other people's stupid and uncaring comments, sad that they are completely helpless about their loss, longing to hold their heaven gone child, and confused as to why it happened to them.
John found it especially helpful to hear all of their stories. I loved hearing my parents all express how they felt.
It seems that the trauma of almost losing me was a bigger trauma to my parents than the trauma of losing the baby. For John he had the intensly traumatic experience of almost losing me, the loss of his son, the loss of his fatherhood because of me, and the loss of his fatherhood with his vasectomy, with no one to support him. No one. I've had some counselling sessions but he's been on his own with his thoughts. He needs more support. To me of course I see the loss of Westley only because it's hard for me to even fathom that I almost died.
I see that there's a lot more healing to take place in the hearts of all of us. I think my parents all need to talk it out many more times...the trauma of the scenario and the intense fear they felt. And for me- to talk it out about my loss of my precious baby whom I waited 4 years for and the trauma of losing my womanhood.
If you feel like hearing our story and don't mind us talking it out, then I would love to have you tell me that. John and I are looking for some more people who will be ok with hearing us out. Maybe several times over. The grief specialists say you need to express your scenario over and over again to bring value and clarity and eventually acceptance to yourself. Thanks and let us know if you'd like to be a part of our support team- whether to me or John or to us both. Email me at preciousdiamond9@gmail.com
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hope and Healing after baby loss
Hope and Healing after the loss of a baby workshop is on Monday May 30th, 2011 from 6:30-9:30pm. Join me & tell your friends. I hope my parents, mom in law, and maybe cousins can come to this workshop with me. It's at 20675 87th Ave Langley at St. Nicholas Catholic Church .
This workshop is for those grieving the loss of a younger child, infant or baby who has died at birth, or during pregnancy. It is also geared towards caregivers and volunteers dedicated to supporting these families.
Hear from an experienced therapist who works with bereaved families and a parent who will share her faith-based journey in search of hope and healing after the loss of her baby. Discuss healthy ways to work through the grief process and ideas on how to honour your child. You are not alone…meet others who understand what it is like to love and miss a little one.
Who might be interested in attending? Parents, adult family members and friends. Professionals and volunteers who support bereaved families after the loss of a young life are also encouraged to attend. Note that caregivers will be given the opportunity to hear first-hand the kind of support bereaved families need, as well as share ideas with one another in a group setting.
Additional details and topics can be found here.
Cost: $30/person or 2 tickets for $55. After May 16th $35/person or 2 tickets for $65. Partial proceeds will be donated to organizations that support bereaved parents.
REGISTRATION
Pls. call: Denis Boyd & Associates at 604.931.7(two)11 to pre-register. Email: info(at)littlelightofheaven.com for more info.
~~~
*RSVP: Ann & Donna – info(at)littlelightofheaven.com
Prayers for parents and family members who wish to honour the lives of all young children gone-too-soon, including toddlers and infants, babies lost during or after birth, and all babies who have died during pregnancy including those who were miscarried and stillborn will be included.
Couples who are struggling with infertility and those trying to conceive; parents who are expecting and those on a waiting list to adopt; as well as parents who lovingly chose to give up and/or welcome children through adoption and fostering will also be remembered on this day.
TEDDY BEAR TEA
Coffee & tea will be available. Please consider donating a small teddy bear in honour of your child, which will be given as a gift to bereaved families. This social is open to everyone, especially bereaved parents and other family members including children, as well as those who support grieving families.
Families can also enter the name of their child in the “Little Book of Life” and light a candle for a little one.
*Please RSVP so that enough programs, candles & refreshments are available.
For more info. click here.
This workshop is for those grieving the loss of a younger child, infant or baby who has died at birth, or during pregnancy. It is also geared towards caregivers and volunteers dedicated to supporting these families.
Hear from an experienced therapist who works with bereaved families and a parent who will share her faith-based journey in search of hope and healing after the loss of her baby. Discuss healthy ways to work through the grief process and ideas on how to honour your child. You are not alone…meet others who understand what it is like to love and miss a little one.
Who might be interested in attending? Parents, adult family members and friends. Professionals and volunteers who support bereaved families after the loss of a young life are also encouraged to attend. Note that caregivers will be given the opportunity to hear first-hand the kind of support bereaved families need, as well as share ideas with one another in a group setting.
Additional details and topics can be found here.
Cost: $30/person or 2 tickets for $55. After May 16th $35/person or 2 tickets for $65. Partial proceeds will be donated to organizations that support bereaved parents.
REGISTRATION
Pls. call: Denis Boyd & Associates at 604.931.7(two)11 to pre-register. Email: info(at)littlelightofheaven.com for more info.
~~~
*BABY & INFANT MEMORIAL SERVICE*
& Teddy Bear Tea
NEW date: June 11
Where: St. Matthew’s Parish, Surrey
Memorial Mass Service: 5:30pm – 6:20pm
“Teddy Bear” Tea & Social: 6:30pm – 7:30pm *RSVP: Ann & Donna – info(at)littlelightofheaven.com
Prayers for parents and family members who wish to honour the lives of all young children gone-too-soon, including toddlers and infants, babies lost during or after birth, and all babies who have died during pregnancy including those who were miscarried and stillborn will be included.
Couples who are struggling with infertility and those trying to conceive; parents who are expecting and those on a waiting list to adopt; as well as parents who lovingly chose to give up and/or welcome children through adoption and fostering will also be remembered on this day.
TEDDY BEAR TEA
Coffee & tea will be available. Please consider donating a small teddy bear in honour of your child, which will be given as a gift to bereaved families. This social is open to everyone, especially bereaved parents and other family members including children, as well as those who support grieving families.
Families can also enter the name of their child in the “Little Book of Life” and light a candle for a little one.
*Please RSVP so that enough programs, candles & refreshments are available.
For more info. click here.
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