Safe in his Fathers arms. Westley you are safe. Safe. Safe. You are safe in your Fathers arms.
I feel comfortable knowing you are safe. You're not my arms, you're safe in your Fathers arms. Love you baby.

One year and I love you SO MUCH.

Here's a video I made to remember my baby on his first heaven birthday April 22, 2011.  The grief experts say it's important do something like this to express my love to him and bring healing.  If you're sensitive to picts of a preemie then skip the video, otherwise enjoy, he's beautiful.

One year ago today I was about 6 months pregnant. I was staying at a relatives house for the week and it was time to head home. Moments before going to my car I fell to the floor in extreme abdominal pain. I was rushed to surrey memorial hospital. The baby's heartbeat was fine and strong. "No this can't be related to her pregnancy." declared the doctor.

Hours passed, the pain did not subside, but I was NOT in labour. Surgery began to identify the problem and later because the doctor found a serious complication that wouldn't allow his continued normal growth, my baby had to be removed, alive.

But...
he was too small to survive.

I got to hold him but was totally out of sorts because of the drugs they put me on.
What little I remember was that he was a boy, he was beautiful, he was a perfect baby, and he was just a bit bigger than my hand. I could see the shading of his organs through his thin skin. His eyes were closed, which indicated that he was well on in his development just a week or two away from being big enough to survive.

We named him Westley and gave him his father's name for his middle name John. Westley John, our son, brother to his three siblings.

I want to hold and snuggle you close my son. I miss all you were going to be. In heaven it must be so wonderful to know and meet Adam, your brother. I never got to hold him. I miss him too. I Love you so much, so much, SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUCH, SO MUCH it hurts :'(

I finally had the strength, besides all my fears of what 'people would think' or 'what insulting things they may say to me' because there's been more than a few insulting and hurtful comments through my journey of grief and loss, to publish a well deserved memoriam to honor my son's life because he lived from the moment of his conception to the moment he entered heaven. Who does that to a person who's experienced such deep and searing loss?  This is my grief!  Mine! Not yours! I will do what I need to do heal, don't put more on me that I don't need.  My tears of grief are so precious, I need them to heal.  I don't need your judgement of me to add tears of condemnation from you!  Maybe you don't understand what it's like to lose something so dear, someone whom you carried with you 24/7 for half a year and dreamed of having for so many years.  Maybe you did lose something and don't know how to process your pain.  If so, cry, get counselling, and do something significant like a private memorial, so that you can find peace within your own heart and not look for it from others.

My son, is a loss like any other human being.  He lived, he's loved, he died, he's remembered and deeply, indescribably missed.  And he continues to live -  forever in heaven.  You'll meet him one day, he'll be a handsome fellow and he'll greet you with a warm smile.  Be sure to give me a long hug, you who are reading this, the next time you see me or my hubby.  The more hugs the better the healing.


 The newspaper "The Coast Reporter" on the Sunshine Coast of BC has the memoriam published for this April 22, 2011. Exactly one year from the date he met Jesus.

Post vasectomy thoughts

With such a dramatic and incredibly important step behind us now with his vasectomy done I'm feeling many mixed emotions. During the surgery i found it odd that i was not the one in the hospital bed. All of my visits to the hospital since I met my husband have always been about me needing care. Ironically He took me to the hospital on the day we met! And it's continued for the last 11 years - in and out of the hospitals with delivering live babies - which by the way, Westley was a live birth delivered with a healthy beating heart at 5 months gestation developing absolutely perfectly and normally, he was just too little to survive, to delivering a dead baby to hemorraging from post birth trauma to emergency surgical procedures to dealing with depression.

This time it was different. I was on the other side of the hospital bed and it was my husband being tended to. He has given me this selfless gift and I felt totally blessed that John who loves me so much, so much, was taking it on himself and sparing me.

What's the word for that again?
Oh yah, Grace. He didn't need to do this. Back in september he could have easily let me go through with getting my tubes tied. His grace has saved me.

I can often relate God's love to the way John loves me. His love is unconditional, it's abundant and it's full of grace.

Immediately after the procedure I felt a beautiful sense of freedom. Freedom from the heavy sadness of losing my ability to bear children and also some sort of feeling that I will be, we will be...ok... and be able to move on.

To my surprise, on day 3, John expressed to me, after a long day's work, something I could tell he was struggling with since the procedure. He said he felt overly confused.
"What have I done????? Where do we go from here?"
I replied, "I'm sorry. It's ok to feel like that it's perfectly normal. I'm here and I would be honored to listen if you would like to talk some more about it."

We are on day 5 today and I still miss my baby and feel occasional grief and want my baby back and just want to hold and snuggle him. But I'm choosing to focus my Heart mainly on what I DO have and that is my remmarkably gracious and loving husband, my 9 year old daughter who is full of joy and developing into a very interesting and talented young girl, my 5 year old daughter who is full of love and joy, and my God Jesus who is in divine control of my entire life.

Coming to terms with our infertility.

This morning John said tenderly while we were still laying in bed "I'm sorry this is hard for you."  Referring to tomorrow's vasectomy procedure.

"Thank you, thank you for understanding"

That did it, I'm able to move on now and accept tomorrow's reality.  His genuine compassion was all I needed.

Denial for me, a selfless Vasectomy for him

This week is especially harder than most for me simply because of the finality of what is about to occur on wed march 2nd. In my heart, I cannot accept what is happening.

It can't be happening. It can't be real. I don't want to accept these circumstances. This is just not the way my life was supposed turn out. I want another baby. I'm not done with growing a family yet. I'm just not done.

Lord, would You heal my body so that I can carry just one more please. Somehow work a miracle with me. You healed a blind man a paralazied man a woman who was hemorrhaging, so many. Surely You can heal me. I believe wholeheartedly in Your divine healing.

You gave me this heart to love children, and I've had the vision of having a very large family for decades now. How can it all just be over? How could it all just be taken away? It's just not right. John's vasectomy is booked for Wednesday and in my heart even though I know it's going to happen I just don't want my childbearing journey to be over. ITS NOT RIGHT! ITS JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!! I am sad and disturbed that it's taking place. This iz against both our wills but yet we are going through with it out of necessity, definetly not because we want to, neither of us want this. It's so confusing. Having our ability to bear children taken away is a great injustice. I wanted to have six kids and now it's all taken away... Well not all. I do have Your blessing of my two great girls with me. Thank you Lord for them, they are lovely and sweet. My heart just has lots of room for so many more, I simply CAN NOT accept this reality. I know that if I were to have another one that it would jeopardize my life and the reality for my husband and girls, I know that. I definitely don't need to be reminded of THAT.

I can't seem to veer my mind away from the thoughts of how there are women who don't want to get pregnant or have more kids and then, surprise, they get another one and another one. They didnt even want these kids and they GET them. I WANT them and I DON'T get them. It's incredibly unfair. Yah, yah I know, life's not fair, but that doesn't stop me from feeling jealousy and injustice.

Lord, I dont understand all of Your ways but somehow I know you're looking after me. When I saw the beautiful night sky full of stars I felt Your presence and although this time is difficult and I feel bitter and angry and jealous and upset I know somehow that You love me and are carrying me through this difficult time in my life. I know Lord that You are collectng my many tears in a bottle. There's got to be more for me Lord. Unless Your coming back to us tomorrow, there's just got to be more.

I am choosing to wait patiently but I am distraught about what is planned for this week. 

How to invite a grieving mother to a baby shower.

Sometimes people just don't realize that a person who has experienced a loss doesn't feel like partying or celebrating.  If I lost my husband, I wouldn't want to go to my friend's husband's birthday party because all i would be thinking about is the husband i don't have.  Now the same would go for someone who has lost a baby (no matter what age the baby was)  I don't want to celebrate a baby shower for someone else because all I'll be thinking about is the baby I don't have.

It comes with great disrespect and great insult to a grieving person to have someone just come out and say "You're invited to the baby shower!"
What did you just say?  A baby shower?  Are you kidding me? You didn't even mention that I just lost my baby and you expect me to attend someone else's baby shower when I'm completely overwhelmed with jealousy towards them because I want the joy their experiencing and not this grief.  Sorry, I won't be there.

Does this mean I'm not happy for her who is pregnant?  No?  I'm so happy that she is in a place of joy, that she is not suffering the intense pain that I am, that she is able to move forward with life while my life stands still.  I'm just not able to face her with a the joy that she deserves, I'll just be a puddle of tears.  She doesn't need that in her time of joy.

Am I jealous of her?  Absolutely.  I want what she has.  I want everything she has.  I want people doeting over me with my pregnancy.  I want people to feel my tummy and get excited when the baby kicks.  I want to feel the love and bond with my baby as I feel him moving around inside of me.  I want to sing to my baby.  I want to have my husband put his ear down to my tummy and say "I love you baby, I can't wait to see you."  I want to have my girls put their warm hands on my big round tummy and have them giggle when they feel the baby move and roll and elbow them.  I want the heartburn, I want the food aversions, I want to be up ever hour at night because I have to pee.  I want to walk with the waddle.  I want to have tender breasts because of the colostrum forming (which by the way, my colostrum did form and my breasts did fill up 3 days after the birth with milk.  I just didn't have a baby to feed it to so I had to ice my breasts to make the milk go away, rather than putting on warm wash cloths to excrete the milk...I'll tell more of this story on another day when I feel like telling the whole story of what happened, even if you were there...there's so much more).  I want to look in my closet and think there's nothing to wear because I've grown out of it all.  I want to go to the thrift store and buy more maternity clothes (which I did just 4 days before it happened...I bought about 5 pairs of maternity pants and 8 maternity shirts, which are now in my closet in honor of my baby Westley.  I won't give these clothes to anyone, they were for Westley and him alone.  Maybe one day I will give them to a person I will never see wearing them.  Maybe I'll keep them forever.  Maybe I'll pass them on to my girls.  Maybe I'll ship them to New Foundland so someone can use them whom I'll never meet.  But for now, they are all his.  I didn't get to wear them, but they were for him.)  I want all of it, I want the hours and hours of labor and especially I want the baby that would have been layed on my chest to me straight out of my womb alive, heart beating and breathing. (my baby's heartbeat was strong and good even in the surgery, even though my uterus ruptured, the doctors thought there was nothing wrong obstetrically because the baby's heartbeat was strong and well.  They took me into surgery because they lost my blood pressure and after several attempts of finding it got a reading of 30/32  I was bleeding internally, but they didn't think it had anything to do with the pregnancy, maybe gall bladder, maybe spleen, they had two surgeons there, a general surgeon and an obstetrician...until they opened me up and found my live baby had already been delivered out of my uterus into my abdomen.  The baby never died inside, they had to remove him because the placenta ruptured with the uterus and there was little blood flow to him, but he still had a strong beating heart.)

If I were to give a lesson on how to approach a person who has lost a loved one, especially a baby to miscarriage, still birth, infant or child death, uterine rupture like me or anything else, and someone wanted to invite them to a baby shower this is what i would say:

"Hi, I've been thinking about you, you've been on my heart a lot lately."   Whether it's true or not, say it, they need to hear that someone values them. "And I've been praying for you."   She will probably say 'really?' or 'thank you' because she will feel like no body cares and maybe not believe that you've been praying for her, and if you haven't then just before you make the call say 'Lord I pray you will comfort ... and help me have compassion towards them'  there, now it's true, you have prayed for them. " I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Westley John."  Very important to mention the baby's name, it gives honor to the life that existed instead of not saying the baby's name and pretending like he never came, never lived, never meant something...he meant a whole world of dreams, a whole world.  Don't worry about upsetting her in case she's having a good day, it never leaves her mind, you won't upset her any further than she's been already.  Really you won't, no matter even if she is smiling.  You'll actually do a world of good because it will let her know that in the midst of her sadness and emptiness there's someone who cares, and for her to know this, it actually makes her feel deep inside that she is loved, regardless of her belief in God, which is really important because she will feel like it was her fault and the whole world blames her for the loss of the baby that was going to be a brother or a grand child or a nephew or a cousin or a playmate.  "I want you to know how important you are to me, and how deeply I feel, and will continue to feel, for you." She had the compassion from others when it happened but now that some time has passed she feels like nobody remembers and that the loss that's so deep in her heart doesn't matter to anyone anymore, it's important to say 'will continue to feel for you' because then at least she will know that in the midst of her sadness which comes and goes she's got someone whom she can remember continues to care.  "It must be incredibly painful." It is incredibly painful, soulfully painful, indescribably painful, so painful that you will never know how it feels no matter if you've lost a loved one or if you've lost a baby yourself. 

Don't pretend to know how it feels and more importantly don't say 'I know how it feels' because everyone grieves differently and you won't know how they are feeling.  When you say 'It must be incredibly painful'  you will give them a breath of fresh air, an incredible sense that it's ok for them to feel the pain, even though you want to take the pain away, and it will help them release the tension they've been feeling that they think nobody understands, especially if it's been some time now. To her she'll be thinking 'omg it's ok to feel this way, I'm not crazy, I'm just human, and this person is acknowledging that, thank goodness I'm not alone and my baby isn't forgotten'. 

Go on to say: "I'll completely understand if you don't feel like coming, but I wanted to include you and make sure you

Home Schooling

Today, one of our home school discussions was about the settlers and how Columbus and Cabot came over to the Americas thinking it was Asia!  We talked about the way the settlers put on a "crown" when they settled in America and took over the aboriginal land.  Then the socials studies discussion went on to talk about how the Europeans took land and it became what we now know as Crown Land.  Then they sold off pieces to people and the people had private land  to build houses and make a home for their families, but also had to pay taxes to the Crown. Then the discussion went even further and got more exciting.  We got into talking about zoning, and how each area is given a label such as residential, commercial, parks, industrial, aboriginal land...Kaneeka really loved the discussion and I saw many "lightbulbs" going off in her mind. 
"Oh that's what it means to pay property tax."  "Yes, it's our duty to honor the country we live in...beautiful and diverse Canada." "Even your Nanaji (grandpa) is a settler. He was the first in our family to travel from India and come to Canada to live here and have a family here."

Now, off to the hot tub for a swim!
Spending quality time with my kids is the best!  I feel like dancing!
......
it's been a few hours since i left this draft on my desktop and now we've studied the makings of sound, and energy.  How does sound happen?  Close your eyes and

 In between the posts that I have shared with you I have beautiful joyful days that are filled with hope and gratitude.  I have come to realize many things about life, here's one of them: I've been given each and every moment and that's all that i have, I don't know what will happen in the next 10 minutes or in the next 12 years but I have now and this moment.

I've chosen to take the moments of life and share them with the ones i love.  Today I was given moments with my Sasha and we put together a giant floor puzzle, we laughed and had so much fun.  I was given moments of with my Kaneeka and hugged and giggled, we all walked down to the river and listened to the water running.  We were given moments and we threw prayer "wishing" rocks in the water.  We were given moments and skipped and sang la la la la along the path.  I was given a moment with my husband and locked eyes with him and kissed him tenderly.  I was given moments with the Lord and felt His mighty arms of love wrap right around me.  I was given a very precious moment with a dear friend who said some incredibly profound things that gave my broken heart healing, not just healing, immense healing.

"Your grief is precious, Sital, don't let anyone quench the process. You will bless others when you've completed your journey. To rush it through now is to only crash later. Looks pretty for everyone else right now but it will be really ugly when you have to face it all over again because it was shoved down."


So come to me with your compassion friend and thank you for your compassion...I will come out on the other side soaring like an eagle full of compassion for you ready to take you on my wings.

The Christmas season has come and gone.  I am daily fighting with myself about where I am at.  Grief is taking a hold of me again.  I feel down, I feel so so soooooooo confused.  I also feel pretty alone.  I know that God is with me, and last night I cried on Jesus' lap.  It was such a relief to cry.  I feel like the whole world has moved on and then there's me.  I'm still here with a hole in my heart, and no baby in my arms.  It's becoming more and more evident to me everyday that I can not have any more children.  It's a very sad sad thought.

I was cuddling Sasha last night and felt so close to her and immediately the thought entered in my mind...."I can't wait to have another baby!"

....oh.
wait a minute.
I can't :(

I actually forgot for those moments as I cuddled with her.....I can't believe it.  I can't believe it.  I can't believe it.  It can't be real.  And now I feel down again.  Everything in my being tells me a baby is to be here.  Here, in my arms laying close to me next to Sasha and Kaneeka.

I thought about how Westley has already won the prize though.  He's in the best place he could be....with His Maker

There's actually been a lot of good things and good thoughts going on for me.  I've been spending time with the Lord almost everyday.  When I spend some quiet moments with Him, I find myself refreshed and replenished and the ever circling thoughts in my mind are often, not always, put at ease.  You know, grief messes with your mind a lot.  I've known the truth of God in my heart for a while now.  The truth of the fact that "I am a child of the King."  The truth that "I am free from shame and condemnation."  The truth that "I am God's workmanship."  But in the middle of and throughout the journey of loss and grief, these thoughts and truths have been challenged in my mind several times. 

When I'm feeling the sadness of the loss of my ever longed for baby, I get a bunch of messages going through my brain.  Kind of like a series of text messages that I keep reading over and over again. "You suck"  "You're no good"  "Life isn't worth it"  "If I can't have what I planned, then I don't want anything at all."  "You're a horrible mom"  "Get it together"  "What's wrong with you?"

Do you see how terrible these messages are?  I used to think that these messages, or negative self talk, were uncontrollable.  I often didn't even know that i was saying these things to myself.   Today in church, my pastor was talking about how we can be navel gazers (constantly in self pity or constantly complaining), or we can be thankful for having a God that is our provider, our protector, our healer.

After putting the kids into bed tonight and doing something in the kitchen while the house was quiet, these negative thoughts started circling my mind again.  "You suck"  "Life isn't worth it"  "I miss my baby so much that I just can't go on"...and as the depression started to settle in. 

I conciously chose a different path for my brain to think this time though (something I've not done too often before over the years of knowing depression because I didnt' know how).   I thought at first...."I know these feelings, these are feelings of depression, and I'm familiar with them.  I want to get better, I don't want to be in this place of sadness.....ok I'll try saying what I'm thankful for to get me into a different train of thought...I'm thankful for my family, for my home, for all that i have, I'm thankful for..."   But this didn't work.  Being thank ful for what i have just didn't do anything to my thought process or my mood or my attitude.  I still felt down, I still felt like life wasn't worth it......
......
.....
.....
but then......
.....
.....
I thought about what my pastor told me this morning.  "Thank you Lord for being my Protector, thank you God for being my Healer, thank you Lord that You are my Provider."
.....
.....
.....
and all of a sudden, it happened.........
......
.....
I felt the depression lifting,
I saw the text message lies being deleted,
I felt a feeling of wholeness,
I felt like I COULD carry on.
....
How profound, that when I think about God and His Character and my identity in Him, I feel good.

Shall we accept the good and not the adversity?

Imagine you had 10 wonderful grown children who were married, imagine you had dozens of pieces of real estate with no mortgages, imagine you had a staff of over 100 people whom you employed who respected and enjoyed working for you, imagine you owned a dozen fortune 500 companies and they were thriving.  Imagine you were rich, had it all, were fit, were married to a wonderful person and were totally successful and totally content.
What would you do if one night you went to sleep in your comfy king sized bed, and were woken up by the panting of one staff member pounding at your door..."I...I...I was the only one who got away....there was a raid....all of your children, were murdered!"  and then another knock at the door with another staff member panting again..."I...I...was the only one who got away...all of the staff have been imprisoned!"  You stumble barely catching yourself to lean against the door frame when another person comes running..."I...don't know how to tell you...but all of your real estate was set fire...everything has burnt to the ground!"  Then finally the last person runs up the driveway also catching his breathe and says,

Dear Westley,
I think of you everyday, I miss you.  I miss you.  I want to hold you and cuddle you and be with you.  I waited for 4 years for you and now you're gone...I didn't even get to cuddle you as i hoped.  I always felt as though someone was missing from our house, some one special. Someone with giggles and smiles.  It was you that was missing, and you were almost here.  well, you were here, but not for nearly long enough.  I want to hold you my son, I want to smell the sweet scent of your baby hair.  I want to lay your little ear against my chest so you can hear my heartbeat.  I want to feel your soft baby skin.
Today your sisters put their baby doll in my hands and said it was you Westley, but I couldn't hold it, it was too painful to think that I should have been really holding you, a real baby not just a doll.  I want to hold you my little one.  I want to hold you.
Will i ever hold a baby again?
Lord, I know you have my Westley with you in heaven but i want you to know how much i miss him, oh so much.  I really didn't want to have any more heartache after suffering for so many years.  Please Lord, offer me some joy, some genuine joy.  Walk me through this very confusing and bumpy road.